As much as I’d like to think I can do some easy small things on my own, I can’t… so I need to stop trying:

Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5

And with Him I can do anything, everything.

As much as my actions tell me that I still wrestle with unbelief-  I’m going to choose to trust:

“For nothing is impossible with God” Luke 1:37

“In your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale ANY wall” Psalm 18:29

“I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength” Phil 4:13

There’s no comfortable middle of the road. The choice is doing everything -even the seeming impossible-  with Him or nothing without Him.

Are there impossibles He’s asking you to go after with Him?

I’m not going there yet- but just putting words to me knowing I need to explore the roots behind this struggle makes it all the more real. Upcoming.

So, back to the surface…

- I’m almost done with week 6 (one run to go) of my 9-week running training program.  I still hate the act of running- but I’m (strangely) enjoying that I choose to do it anyway.

- I’ve turned my nose up at the scale (because those numbers still feel like a kick to my heart) and embraced the measuring tape as my new motivational friend.   Since the end of January, I’ve said goodbye to 4 inches on my waist and toned my arms by an inch and a half.  That feels great.

For the month ahead:

- I will do better about planning my meals ahead of time so that I keep my calorie in-take in check

- I will keep healthy snacks on-hand, ready to grab

- I will make more of the little choices that add up to big results

So I’ll tell you about how I flooded my house.

And I’ll tell you that I’ve been  forcing myself to laugh so I won’t cry.

On Friday afternoon, I was busy with the kids and I realized time had gotten away from me and I had no plan for dinner.  So, I quickly ran inside while the kiddos were on our porch and I threw some meat in the sink and turned the hot water on to thaw it fast (hot water here is HOT).  All of a sudden I heard Ellie crying- so I ran out the door.  I have no idea what happened- but she was fine and I got distracted.  I spent the next hour and a half outside with my children- going for a walk, riding bikes, throwing rocks.

When I finally got to my porch again there was a water fall spilling through the seam in the floor that separates inside from out.  I opened the door and the water started gushing out.  I peered in and saw our great room filled with an inch of standing water- steaming hot water. Small plastic toys were literally floating.  I yelled for help with the kids and made my way to the sink- which had been left running ALL THAT TIME.

I’ll spare you the number of hours and the crazy methods that have had me on my hands and knees for the last three days attempting to put my house back together again, mildew free.  But I will share with you the miracle in it all… the inch-wide dry border on the floor where my work bag (containing my laptop) was stored, and the inch-wide dry border around all of our electronics. As soon as I picked the items off of the floor- those areas were saturated wet too.  I “lost” nothing- except for a little pride.  Explain that…

So, how did my Monday start?  With a flat tire… no joke.  But all I could do was laugh.

How was your weekend?

After God’s heart was broken by Adam and Eve’s choice to eat the forbidden fruit and before He banished them from the Garden of Eden, He made them hand-sewn clothes.

I don’t know how many times I’ve read these beginning chapters of Genesis, but I’ve never paused and felt the weight of God’s actions.

God cared about Adam and Eve’s shame.  He stooped to grip a needle and thread to tailor-make a covering for much more than their bodies- but for the wounds in their hearts.

…and He wants to do the same for us.  To drape the most vulnerable and exposed parts of our hearts with all of who He is.

Trapped.

Confined.

…but breathing. Living. Ready to resurface.

I’m not sure why I think I can just bury “my issues” and expect them to suffocate and die.  It doesn’t work like that.   When I leave things buried alive they lurk, just beneath the surface, waiting to influence me another day,  in subtle ways.

I’ve been thinking about this in terms of weeds and how uprooting is entirely different than snipping-off at the surface. Snipping-off takes  a heck of a lot less work but it’s a surface-only, quick cosmetic fix.  As it turns out, when weeds are snipped they grow back. Sometimes bigger, stronger, and more resistant.  So, I’m trading in my garden sheers for some gloves and a shovel. It’s time to uproot and bury the finally dead.

Thank God He holds the shovel and not me- because I’d be more inclined to knock somebody over the head with it than to dig in to myself.  Isn’t it always easier to focus on the speck and ignore the plank?

It’s His work to do in my heart, my consent for Him to do it.

Let’s get started…

Chocolate brown bath towels are not a good choice when living somewhere with no screens.

When feeling less than pleasant towards “the husband” – play soul-filled love songs because they change my mood quick (Justin Nozuka “I’m in Peace” James Morrison “You Make it Real” and John Legend “Sun Comes Up”- just for starters).

The acceptable on-the-farm so stash-your-phone-in-your-bra when lacking pockets move is NOT acceptable in the grocery store…lots of raised eyebrows at my ringing and vibrating.

How was YOUR day?!

All of them represent a longing. A discontentment of sorts, even in the midst of happiness.

Some of them represent corners of my heart marked fragile and confidential.

All of them are things I need to surrender- not just hold loosely, but let go of.  And that’s just…hard.

A decade ago  when our (first) season in South Africa came to a close- Thabang was there to help us pack up our things and send us off.  I’ll never forget that final hug and the words he said in broken english as we said goodbye.  Thabang lived on the streets- an orphan to poverty- and we had spent  5 days a week during the year prior hanging out with him and about 15 other boys.  Just wanting them to know they were purposed, not forgotten, and loved.

A few months ago, Dave ran into Thabang in QwaQwa.  Call it a coincidence if you will- but I know it was divine intervention.  While driving through the crowded streets Dave heard his name, followed by “my father, my father”.  Over a curbside conversation Thabang filled in the pieces of the last ten years- his season in jail, his encounter with God, how he determined to finish high school and then did just that.

This reunion happened while Thrive was in full-swing of  recruiting new Coaches to work for Leadership Summit.  We knew we couldn’t make Thabang any promises- but Dave told him about the opportunity and at Thabang’s initiative- he started showing up to every meeting. Since then- Thabang’s performance has stood out from the rest and he’s been hired on as a Thrive Africa Coach.

At Monday’s Hand in Hand conference, I stepped out of my car and was heading inside when I felt someone looking at me. I turned and saw him for the first time in a decade. That same broad but boyish smile comfortably worn on the face of a man. He was totally familiar and totally changed. The boy is gone but the sparkle of his soul is the same.  Our embrace was even sweeter than the last- filled with hope instead of parting sorrow. His voice, now deeper and aged- said, “My mother, I am glad you are home.”

I’ve been incredibly encouraged. Lisa, Sara, Melissa, and many others- you’re supportive words have been like fuel. THANK YOU!

Working out in the morning, though I loath it, it ensures that I get my sweat on before the day gets away from me.

Instead of focussing too much on what I’m not eating- I’m tracking my servings of fruits, veggies, whole grains, and water.  Until I’ve checked off all those boxes- I don’t delve into other food.  Come to find out- getting in everything that my body actually needs usually takes care of my hunger- at least until those just-before-bed hours.

What’s not going well:

Losing weight is a whole lot of work and takes a whole lot of consistency. Sometimes the length of this commitment feels absolutely daunting. It’s HARD WORK. I want it to be easier.

I need to remember it’s not all or nothing… it’s one choice at a time.

I don’t enjoy working out- but I want to love to hate it.  I’m not there yet, but I’m hitting the pavement anyway.

My night-time snack of stove-popped popcorn (it’s a whole grain!) needs to be put in check, so as of now its become a weekend-only indulgence.  But dang… I want it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Progress: I’ve lost 2kgs