Feb 04 My Other Son…

I am so proud of him.

A decade ago  when our (first) season in South Africa came to a close- Thabang was there to help us pack up our things and send us off.  I’ll never forget that final hug and the words he said in broken english as we said goodbye.  Thabang lived on the streets- an orphan to poverty- and we had spent  5 days a week during the year prior hanging out with him and about 15 other boys.  Just wanting them to know they were purposed, not forgotten, and loved.

A few months ago, Dave ran into Thabang in QwaQwa.  Call it a coincidence if you will- but I know it was divine intervention.  While driving through the crowded streets Dave heard his name, followed by “my father, my father”.  Over a curbside conversation Thabang filled in the pieces of the last ten years- his season in jail, his encounter with God, how he determined to finish high school and then did just that.

This reunion happened while Thrive was in full-swing of  recruiting new Coaches to work for Leadership Summit.  We knew we couldn’t make Thabang any promises- but Dave told him about the opportunity and at Thabang’s initiative- he started showing up to every meeting. Since then- Thabang’s performance has stood out from the rest and he’s been hired on as a Thrive Africa Coach.

At Monday’s Hand in Hand conference, I stepped out of my car and was heading inside when I felt someone looking at me. I turned and saw him for the first time in a decade. That same broad but boyish smile comfortably worn on the face of a man. He was totally familiar and totally changed. The boy is gone but the sparkle of his soul is the same.  Our embrace was even sweeter than the last- filled with hope instead of parting sorrow. His voice, now deeper and aged- said, “My mother, I am glad you are home.”

Feb 02 Tales from the Downsizing Trenches

What’s going well:

I’ve been incredibly encouraged. Lisa, Sara, Melissa, and many others- you’re supportive words have been like fuel. THANK YOU!

Working out in the morning, though I loath it, it ensures that I get my sweat on before the day gets away from me.

Instead of focussing too much on what I’m not eating- I’m tracking my servings of fruits, veggies, whole grains, and water.  Until I’ve checked off all those boxes- I don’t delve into other food.  Come to find out- getting in everything that my body actually needs usually takes care of my hunger- at least until those just-before-bed hours.

What’s not going well:

Losing weight is a whole lot of work and takes a whole lot of consistency. Sometimes the length of this commitment feels absolutely daunting. It’s HARD WORK. I want it to be easier.

I need to remember it’s not all or nothing… it’s one choice at a time.

I don’t enjoy working out- but I want to love to hate it.  I’m not there yet, but I’m hitting the pavement anyway.

My night-time snack of stove-popped popcorn (it’s a whole grain!) needs to be put in check, so as of now its become a weekend-only indulgence.  But dang… I want it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Progress: I’ve lost 2kgs

Jan 28 This is why…

My scattered posting is evidence of my long hours the past few weeks.  They are hours full of meetings, writing, and answering emails. But they aren’t tiresome hours- they are hours well invested.  Invested in the potential of South Africa. This is why I’m here. This is why I love what I do.

This… is the Face of Leadership.

See what I see.

Jan 22 Being Salt and Light

I’ve been knee-deep in studying about what it means to be Salt and Light. Why???

…because it’s what we’re called to be.  And I’m going to share it with them.

Jan 20 Downsizing… she’s back!!!

After two months stateside, I returned to South Africa in the beginning of January with renewed vigor for a lot of things- but getting into better shape was not on the top of the list.  Or, should I say- it wasn’t even towards the top of the list until my friend and domestic worker, Emily, greeted me by patting my stomach and saying “America was good to you- life must be good there”. SHAME. I know I indulged. I know I’ve been ignoring certain articles of clothing. But the truth still hurts. Dang, I’ve got some work to do.

Since “going public” is my best form of accountability… here you go- an invitation to walk this road with me.  The first post of every new month for the next six months will be about downsizing… and probably a few in between.  My plan: I’ve upgraded my get-in-shape “tools” to iPhone apps (which I’m loving)… Lose It and Couch to 5k.  My goal… nothing crazy… but to lose 1.5lbs per week until I’m where I need to be (and those numbers are only on a need-to-know basis!!!).

To help me kick-off… do you have a success story to share? Helpful tip? Word of encouragement?  I’m all ears…

Jan 11 African Giants

That’s what they call the millepedes that are really common here.  I don’t know about you, but I will never be comfortable enough with any creepy-crawly to feel okay about “giant” being a part of their name.  But alas, my son feels differently.  He’s spent hours the past few days “caring for”, hunting, and making coil into balls these not-so-lovely but very prevalent creatures.

They often find their way into our house, and I’ve inadvertantly stepped on a few, while barefoot, and they “burst”. NASTY.

I actually don’t know which I prefer… Silas catching frogs and trying to convince me that they should sleep in his bed or him playing with the giants? I guess boys will be boys…

Jan 06 Wednesday’s Window

One highlight of being back in South Africa has been watching Silas reconnect with his african brother Thuledi (Abram’s son).  Today, they were jumping off of our front porch, hand in hand:

Jan 05 I’m (in my new) Home!!

Hello, South Africa… I’m home (and in my new home).  Have a peak… more pictures to come once we’re really settled…

Jan 03 Made For This

Today, as I’m traveling back to my home in South Africa, and my eyes are likely puffy from tears and my heart tender from tough goodbyes- I’m reminding myself that I was made for this.  I don’t know why- I just know that it’s true- that I was made for South Africa. And  in my parent’s house I found an unexpected reminder:

During my senior year of high school (before I met Alece and before I’d ever been overseas) I created an “all about me” board for an art class.  It’s still on display in my parent’s basement, and the lower-center of my creation is a map of South Africa.  Without yet having set foot on her soil- she was already a part of me.

…and so, I’m returning to my home even as I leave my home.  It’s complicated. It’s hard. But it’s also just right.

Jan 02 Hello 2010

This year my resolutions aren’t traditional.  They are “permissions” that I want to keep before me as the new year begins and as the weeks and months start rolling by:

let myself feel -even the things I’d rather not
let myself risk -and face all of the fear that would try to stifle me
let myself stumble -because that means I’m in motion
let myself celebrate -all the tiny victories the make the mundane miraculous.

Is there anything you want to let yourself do this year?

Dec 30 Collateral Growth

My reflective brain can’t get close to the New Year without first looking back.  And when I do- it’s like looking into a passenger-side mirror from the driver’s seat and reading a warning: The events of this year are closer than they appear. 2009 has been intense. When I look back at what should have only produced collateral damage, I also see collateral growth- and for that, I’m thankful.  At times my heart still hurts deeply and I’m left shaking my head in disbelief- but there’s also thankfulness.  I need to back up and explain.

When I was 19 I went on my first mission trip to Botswana, Africa. During a training weekend in Miami, Florida, I threw my sleeping bag down on a church floor and landed right next to Alece (my Kitty). Over the course of the next month, the knot that would form the base of braided hearts and lives was formed.  More than a decade later- we’ve worked side by side on the mission field, shared a wedding, a birth, miscellaneous adventures, and deep heartache.  I need to explain. Again.

My 2009 is inextricably connected to my Kitty’s story.  A year ago, she pulled the cord and exposed her husband’s affair. Which is devistating and complicated when it only involves the two people in the marriage. But Alece and Niel pioneered and directed Thrive Africa together.  When Alece pulled the cord, she knew that a boulder would be loosed and the potential for collateral damage would be far reaching. But in her courage, she pulled, and I still thank God that when she did, I was there- and my family was already planted in South Africa.

What I thought (but God’s plan was entirely different) was our family spending 9-months in South Africa (doing life with our dear friends while my husband was also doing dissertation research and writing) has turned into me serving as Interim Director of Thrive Africa and my family living overseas indefinitely.

I don’t want to ignore the collateral damage- because there’s been plenty of it, but I want to celebrate that from its rubble is emerging something beautiful. New. Stronger.   Those stories are the ones I want to share with you in the days to come. But to really celebrate the fragrance of what God is making bloom… I first needed to share what prompted the tilling of the soil.

2009 has been a year that changed my life. Forever.

Dec 26 Three Weeks Later

…I miss him. Dave went back to South Africa three weeks ago today. I miss his smell, how my head rests perfectly on his chest, his partnership, his I love you’s, his amazing mind, his soft kiss, and those brown eyes. I miss every morsel of him.

Now I can fill in my own blank… that distance makes the heart:

ache

contemplate

grow

see clearly

appreciate the little things

more transparent

feel lonely

love fiercely.

count the days…9 until I’m back in his arms

Dec 22 Holiday Hiatus

I just returned from a long weekend in Nashville with my soul-friend, Emily (we’ve had lots of blog-worthy adventures together… like here, here, here, and here!!). My battery feels recharged after lots of girl talk, laughter, and sleep. I’m so incredibly thankful for how my life is blessed with friendship.

I’ve returned to my Ohio home just in time for a holiday hiatus. Merry Christmas… and I’ll be back in the New Year!!!!

Dec 15 Grace is Messy

I’ve been missing the bigger picture by thinking about grace as a neatly packaged gift that results in the tidying of my soul.  Because I need a whole lot of grace- I think it’s the gift I’m most mindful of this holiday season. I’m unwrapping it to find something much different than I anticipated.  I’m realizing that grace is anything by tidy.  In fact, grace is roll-up-your-sleeves and forget about smock-coverage kind of messy.

Blood was splattered. Flesh was torn. A death. A resurrection. And because of it- we are offered grace. I am offered grace.

Living out grace is challenging for me. It’s hard for me to receive and even harder for me to give. I trip over it and bloody my chin rather than wading into the ways of grace in some of my relationships.  But I’m trying… and the freedom to try and try again is what grace is all about.

Dec 12 The Bean Bowl

Some things discovered on accident just have to be shared… especially if you’re parenting little ones and you discover an indoor activity that keeps the kiddos busy during these cold winter days.  I found just such a treasure, totally on accident.

My mom has laid claim to one full side of my parents’ finished basement for all of her “stuff”. Since she changes her household decor with the seasons- she’s got lots of “stuff”- and all of the off-season things are stored downstairs, on her side. Well, one “fallish” centerpiece happened to contain a large glass bowl layered with all sorts of colorful dried beans that held a big candle in the middle.  Scrap the glass dish and the candle- and my kids are in heaven playing with the beans.  We’ve added some plastic containers, measuring cups, wooden spoons, and some imagination for literally hours of fun.  Ellie likes to fill and empty containers, while Silas likes to cook imaginary “brownies”- measuring, scooping, and stirring his bean creations.  Sometimes we even make bean rain- cuz it’s really easy to clean up.

Happy Bean Bowling…

Dec 05 Fill It In…

Distance makes the heart… (enter your words here!)

Dave leaves today and journeys back to South Africa… while me and the kids remain stateside for a month more.

Deep Breath. Big Sigh. I hate goodbyes, even the temporary ones.

Dec 01 If These Walls Could Speak…

I grew up on old-school Amy Grant music… and If These Walls Could Speak was one of her back-in-the-day hits. Being back in the house where I grew up has this song resurfacing from somewhere in the filing cabinet of my mind.  I find myself looking around and being besieged with memories- while watching my children make new ones within these same four walls. It’s bizarre and wonderful.

If these walls could speak- they would tell you my coming of age tale. They remember, like I do, the moments big and small that have made me who I am.  They would tell you about my “closet years”… when I literally used to hang out in my closet, tape player head-phones on, rocking-out to the likes of Poison and Skid Row while staring at the band posters pinned to those interior walls (my parents weren’t fans).   These walls remember the seemingly insignificant- like the Friday night during my Freshman year of high school that I was getting ready to go to a football game and I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed feeling like I would never move beyond adolescents, which had only just begun.  These walls would tell you about the moments I felt like a princess- those pre-formal dance photo-shoots, arms dawning satin gloves and dresses laced with sequence. They would tell you about the times I nearly fell apart and the time I fell in love.

“If these old walls, if these old walls could speak of the things that they remember well, stories and faces dearly held, a couple in love livin’ week to week, rooms full of laughter… If these old halls, if hallowed halls could talk, they would have a tale to tell of sun goin’ down and dinner bell and children playing at hide and seek from floor to rafter, if these walls could speak… they would tell you that I’m sorry, for bein’ cold and blind and weak… they would tell you that I owe you, more than I could ever pay, here’s someone who really loves you, don’t ever go away… that’s what these walls would say”  - Amy Grant

Nov 29 Motherhood Compromises

I’m incredibly selfish- and putting aside some of my own wishes for the betterment of my family and kiddos has been no small feat in these 3.5 years that I’ve been a mommy. What I’ve learned- is that sometimes it’s all about compromise, mommy-style:

- sleeping in has become 7am instead of 9:30

- “privacy” for me normally means having someone knocking on the door or wiggling the doorknob- no matter what I’m trying to “privately” do on the other side of the door.

- a sit-down dinner normally means I sit my kiddos down, and I remain up and down to tend to everyone’s needs- but nonetheless we eat as a family.

- enjoying some tunes in the car means alternating between “Silas songs” and Mommy songs- unless of course we’re listening to “the Maybe song” by Ingird Michaelson- which Silas asks to be “put on repeat, repeat, repeat!”

- it means hugs and snuggles when what I really want is space… but I always end up loving those hugs and snuggles

…it’s about “we” even though I’m prone to think “me”.

Nov 27 He Provides…

In our 12 years of marriage- Dave and I have had one six-month season where we both had professional jobs.  Aside from that- our path has looked a little different than the norm.  We’ve had lots of seasons like the current one- where having our needs met is totally dependent on divine intervention.  And guess what?  We’ve never gone without. Not ever.

This week, we had one of those tangible “He provides” moments.  So, just in case you find yourself in a similar spot of waiting and watching for God to provide… I want to share this with you to encourage your heart!

For a few days Ellie was fussy and stuffy, which turned in to a nasty cough and her being downright miserable.  Dave and I were debating a visit to a pediatrician- but knowing that we have no insurance- we didn’t want to jump the gun and see a doctor if it really wasn’t necessary (but obviously, not hesitating if we needed to).  Then, I got a call from my sister who said it “popped into her head” that she had  a friend, who is a doctor, who might be able to help.  Long story a little bit shorter- our daughter was seen by a doctor and is now on antibiotics and we paid nothing. That’s God’s provision in action…

Be encouraged… He provides!

Nov 24 Busted!

Here’s a conversation that happened a few days ago- that keeps replaying in my head and making me chuckle…

Abbie (5) to Silas (3): Wow- do you have new shoes?

Silas: Nope

Abbie to Me: Silas’ shoes look really new, but he says they’re not new.

Me to Abbie: They aren’t new, I just washed them.

Silas to everyone around: Mom, you don’t wash stuff- Ms. Emily washed them for me.

Me: BUSTED.

Nov 21 Learning about Love

My kiddos teach me so much about love- it’s actually hard for this wordy girl to begin putting these lessons into words.  Like how love is never earned, it’s always given.  How love is never withheld, it’s abundant.  How love isn’t contingent on anything- it just is.

The last week or so, Ellie has discovered her “voice.” When something is happening that she doesn’t like, or when I say no- she screams at the top of her lungs. It’s not fun. It’s annoying. It triggers chaos and invites Silas to start screaming too.  It pushes me towards a mommy-meltdown and a few times I’ve fallen flat on my face in my quest to always respond to my children in love.  All of this to say, I’m in a challenging season of parenting. But what I’ve learned is that my love for my kids is actually only increasing. My desire to parent them well seems kicked up a notch, maybe because doing so is requiring more from me now more than ever. My actions have to be more intentional and my selfish tendencies need pushed a little further aside. It’s not easy and I don’t do it perfectly (by any means) but it’s making me grow.

As I was putting Ellie to bed last night, she fell asleep in my arms.  I was looking down at her little hand clutching my shirt while her curls were tickling my cheek. I was overwhelmed with how much I love her- how much I love my kids.  And then my heart instantly knew, He loves me just the same.

Nov 16 TIA: This is America…

When I use the acronym TIA, I’m normally referencing something that makes me shake my head and say, this is Africa.  Having been stateside for 48 hours now, I find myself saying TIA a lot… but referencing the culture shock and “new” experiences I’m having here at home (which feels totally bizarre).

So- here are my observations (disclaimer: be sure to read them for just what they are- I’m not attaching any good/bad/better/worse labels to anything):

- There are so many options here… regarding anything I could possibly be looking for. I’m overwhelmed by choice.

- At home in S. Africa, I’m surrounded by beautiful nature and functional interiors.  Here, I’m surrounded by beautiful interiors and an overlook-able landscape. It’s kinda weird.

- I’m amazed at the differences in living functionally verses comfortably. And feeling the dissonance between practicalities and luxuries.  There are lots of luxuries here disguised as practicalities.

- People are friendly here and customer service actually still exists. Consumers are sought after, not expected, and dare I say the customer is still always right.

- Having a heated home is simply marvelous.

- America is a stimulating place. It’s amazing and wonderful- but even the silence feels loud. My heart is easily distracted by all things shiny.

Nov 13 She’s All-In

Nov 11 All-In

I’ve only played poker a handful of times- but I love that moment when you push all of your chips to the middle of the table and say “all in”.  I love that phrase and the weight behind it.  I love the carefree appearance of a calculated move.  When you’re all-in, it’s purposeful and intentional yet it’s full of releasing control.

Lately, God’s been asking me if I’m all-in.  All-in Him.  All-in where He wants me to be. All-in what He wants me to be doing.

So here it goes…

I’m all-in.

Nov 08 Gear-Up, Tune-Up

This is a big week.  Take a long, slow inhale with me…

One thing I know for sure- is that our family has never really done things on a small scale… especially when it comes to change.  When something changes, everything changes.  But more on that later…

So back to this week:  I have a crazy work week ahead… then, on Friday our family of 4 will begin our nearly 40-hour door to door journey from South Africa to Ohio.  The itinerary goes something like this: leave the farm early Friday morning (Thursday night American EST), drive 3 hours to the airport, catch a 17 hour direct flight to DC, have a layover, catch another flight to Ohio and finally reach our destination Saturday night (afternoon EST).   I’m already praying for some seriously angelic children (pray for all of us- PLEASE).

I guess it’s later enough: As if our travels aren’t enough to gear-up for, how about I throw in a move too?  Yeah. I’m not just packing for this trip. I’m packing up the contents of my house so that I can be “moved” while I’m gone… and when I get back to South Africa in December- I’ll have a new (to me) home. Holy cow. It feels a little crazy.

So, here’s where you come in. Music is totally therapeutic for me. A must-have when I’m stressed. An outlet when I need to blow off some steam. So- help me tune-up as I gear-up. Tell me whats been on repeat on your iPod or your top 3 must-have songs.

…seriously. Help a sister out!

(okay… exhale!)

Nov 03 Like A Thief in the Night

The enemy of our hearts is described as a thief in the night (John 10:10).  This has become a loaded description for me since we’ve had 4 break-ins on our mission base over the past three months. In response, we’ve set up a night-watch patrol schedule, put alarms on some of the buildings, and taken measures to add security and visibility across these 2500 acres.  But a thief still lurks- and he made an appearance again last week.

What I’ve learned about middle of the night thieves is this:

-          They have a plan and their actions are purposeful

-          They use the cover of darkness strategically

-          Their actions are often only discovered once the light of day reveals the wreckage left behind

-          They look for areas of vulnerability and target those first

And so it is with the enemy of my soul. I shouldn’t overlook how he tries to weasel in to my thoughts and my heart.  Because when he tries to sneak into my life, his actions are purposeful and strategic- wanting to see me crumble in a pile of selfish wreckage.  What he wants me to embrace as an acceptable shade of gray really fits in to black or white. What he wants me to rationalize into my life, is really a fertile seed that will yield some form of harvest- either of death or life. What he wants me to flirt with because it satisfies some deeper longing in me, is really an attempt to take my eyes off of the One who makes me whole.

God, shine your light on me.

Nov 01 My Ceiling, Their Floor

In recent months, a specific idea has been a driving force behind my parenting:  I want the ceiling of my life- the highest heights of my inward and outward journey- to be my children’s proverbial floor.  To parent Silas and Ellie in such a way that the things I’m learning (about spirituality, character, authenticity, etc.) become part of their lives, or seeds in their hearts, at the same time they are becoming a part of mine. In this way, things that are growth for me as an adult become foundational for them as children.   Don’t worry. I’m not ignoring developmental milestones and the natural process of spiritual growth.  But I am confident that my children’s wings will eventually stretch wider and their roots will go deeper than what I experience in my own life. And that overwhelms my heart with thankfulness.

I’m also overwhelmed that this same idea flows from the Father’s heart for you and me.  Just listen: “I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.  You can ask for anything in my name and I will do it, so the Son can bring glory to the Father” (John 14:12-13).

I still can’t bring myself to fully embrace that. His ceiling, my floor? And yet- that’s His heart for me as my Father. The only reason I can even begin to “get it” is because it’s also my heart as a mother.

Oct 28 I Am One

My friend Danielle recently put a quote on the header of her blog- and it’s resonating in my heart. Challenging me. Making me determined to live for something (someOne) rather than being distracted by everything (everyone).  I couldn’t help but share it with you in this space too…

“I am only one, but I am one. I can not do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.” – Edward Everett Hale

As one, what can you do??

Oct 27 In Their Words…

I’m pretty vocal about my discomfort in being described as a missionary, but the truth is, I love what I do. And every now and again I get to hear in their words about how Thrive Africa is making a difference.  In my role as Interim Director, I’m normally a behind-a-desk administrator but occasionally I get to be a front-lines participant in our various programs and outreaches. This was true at our final Hand in Hand pastor’s conference that took place a few weeks ago. This week I’ve been reading through and mulling over the feedback forms our attendees completed and I’ve been so encouraged by their responses. Here are a few highlights- in their words:

“God has touched my heart in a very different way that I feel when I leave this place I am going to tell people to follow me.” – Katherine Moloi

“God has taken my spirit higher and made me realize that I need Jesus in everything I do to be a leader.  This conference has also help[ed] me to know that I am an ambassador of Christ.”  - Mariam Tladi

“I have been completely changed by the Word of God.  It has empowered me to go out and make disciples.”  - Mofokeng P. Joseph

“God has changed my life with these teachings.  I have learned a lot about being a leader and I want to be effective when coming to things of God.” – Makhanya Sesi

“I have learned a lot about leadership and how I can train leaders. Also that we need to let our lives to do the talking.” – Reverend M. Motsapi

Oct 26 The Best Of…

Our week in Gonubie:

and I can’t leave out the “bests” that weren’t captured in photos:
- having time with friends was totally priceless
- talking over Starbucks coffee was pure bliss
- enjoying the Indian Ocean was fantastic!
- hitting up Gonubie’s fabulous grocery stores and stocking up on imported goods just totally made me smile
- watching Silas play till he could literally play no-more on his own personal jumping castle made my mom’s heart soar.
- and the list goes on, and on, and on… but I’ll leave it at that.

Thank you Kristi and Daniel for EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!

Oct 19 I’m Away

I was going to try and plan ahead- schedule some posts so that blogesphere wouldn’t even notice that I took a vacation. But then life got in the way. So, here’s the truth:

I’m in Gonubie, South Africa, a block from the Indian Ocean, staying with some fantastic people that I met face to face for the first time yesterday. Fast friends? Definitely. Enjoying a week away? Totally. Really glad my husband had a museum to visit 10 hours from “home” so that I could justify this road trip away? Absolutely.

So… the “best of” photos are to come, as well as some tales of our travels- I’m sure. But for now, I’m away

Oct 16 My Over-the-top Crazy Day

Yesterday was an over-the-top crazy day. A play by play won’t really do it justice, but here you go…

7:45am Leave the farm and take Silas to school

8:30 Work meeting in town

9:15 Call from my hubby saying that he was asked to come to the Department of Home Affairs right away

10:00 I run errands in town while Dave runs to QwaQwa for this unexpected meeting

11:45 Pick Silas up from school

12:00 Haircut appointment for Silas

12:10 Call from Dave- our visas to stay in South Africa were denied because our medical clearance was a year old (you have to prove you don’t have TB and that you aren’t a medical threat to the citizens here)

12:30 I hit the grocery store while my friend, Charlene,  goes to the doctor’s office on our behalf to get prescriptions in order for us to get x-rays done

1:00 Meet up with my friend Katie, who was watching Ellie, and coordinate chest x-rays and physical exams for later in the afternoon, find an internet cafe and print off the necessary government forms

2:00 Radiology appointment: get chest x-rays to prove we don’t have TB, children melting down- (side note: we had to hand-deliver the xrays this morning to a radiologist in a neighboring town- an hour away- in order to have our clearance forms signed)

3:20 Doctor’s Office- physical exams for all, children TOTALLY melting down

4:30 Get pizza in town to take home for dinner

5:15 Home

5:30 Ellie takes a hard tumble and I think her nose is broken- call my friend June, who happens to be an RN, to come check her out. Ellie has a rhino horn growing out of the bridge of her nose and is black and blue. Terrible. But June assures me she’ll survive.

6:15 Silas falls down our hard wooden stairs- first time ever, thankfully no serious injuries, but lots and LOTS of tears

6:30 Ellie to bed

6:45 I head to Thrive church

8:30 I host tea for our ministry volunteers

10:15 I crash… after a very long, over-the-top crazy day.

And it was all for visa’s sake.  Since Dave’s fiasco at the border we’ve been jumping through a zillion hoops to be/stay legal. Let’s hope this was our last bit of red tape to cross over…

Oct 13 In Bloom

It’s finally spring here in South Africa.  Our winter was long and harsh- with no indoor heat and uninsulated homes it’s a drastically different seasonal experience than stateside.  But now, the midday sun is intense and our screen-less windows beg to be opened.  The dull browns that covered the landscape are being replaced by vibrant green and flower buds whisper a divine palette of colors, soon to be in bloom.  It’s utterly refreshing.

These changes evidence that there was so much more life during the bleak midwinter than my eyes could see. Transformations were happening just beneath the surface and deep down in the roots that were necessary to usher in this beautiful and glorious spring.

And so it with us: Winter will give way to spring as we allow Him to dig beneath the surface of our lives and show us the roots growing in our hearts.  The digging can be painful and tending roots can be laborious- but it’s an indispensible process if we want to bloom.

Oct 10 Yesterday’s Adventure

We had a beautiful day yesterday- and I spent the morning on a 2 mile hike with the kiddos down our driveway. I took the camera along and these shots are some of my favorites:

Oct 07 Intimacy…

Last week I heard intimacy described as “in-to-me-see”.  I thought it was a catchy definition when I heard it- but as its continued to resurface in my thoughts- I’ve decided that it’s actually pretty profound.

I use the word intimacy frequently.  In fact, one of the things that I’ve regularly prayed for during the past year is my desire to pursue intimacy with Jesus before anything else.  In my head this has translated to me pursuing God as the first desire of my heart. Now it’s expanded to be about my response to God’s pursuit of me.  (Yup, I totally just said that God pursues me… and it’s true, and He’s pursuing you too.) It’s hard for me to grasp… but before God wants my “labors” in His name, before he wants to use my gifts or talents or shortcomings… He wants me.  Period.

To take this a little further, a dictionary definition for intimacy is:  Detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a subject.  Without a doubt, since I’m created and He’s Omniscient, God knows me through and through.  But there’s a huge relational difference in being exposed before God verses being vulnerable with God.  When I say exposed, I mean having parts of myself brought in to His light involuntarily.  Or to really break it down… it means getting caught or being called out about something.  When I say vulnerable, I mean having a posture of the heart that’s without defense before God- that’s transparent with Him- a heart that cries out… Father, in-to-me-see.

Hmmm, I’m still chewing on all of this- so I’ve got no suave way to wrap up these ramblings.  Other than to leave you with some of the questions I’ve been asking myself this week…

What is my response to God’s pursuit of me?

Am I exposed by God? Or vulnerable with Him? Or something else entirely?

Oct 05 At the Border

If you’re on Facebook and I’m your friend- you might have seen that yesterday was a tense day for me.  Dave had been gone to Lesotho for a week, (with his friend and interpreter, Lucas) and I was more than ready to have him home.  When my phone rang about the time I was expecting to see him- my heart deflated a bit. Then we he said, “Aim, I’ve got a problem, they won’t let me back into South Africa” I had a few moments of panic.

Then I took a deep breath and said,  “let’s pray”.

Dave gave me the facts: when he entered Lesotho they told him our South African visas had expired- and when we crossed a border last month to get a new 90-day visitor stamp, we actually only got 7 days.  So we were (until a few hours ago) technically illegal. The border control officer assured Dave that by exiting South Africa and going in to Lesotho- he could return to S. Africa and be granted an additional 7 days.  Too bad that guy wasn’t working yesterday.

Dave went round and round with the border control officer to no avail.  The officer told him he had to go to the American Embassy in the metropolitan area of Lesotho (several hours away and closed on weekends) and see how they could help him. Basically, they wanted to send Dave back to America. Dave got back into the car, discouraged, when a police officer (Dave’s pretty confident he was an angel) walked over to him and said, “I think you should try another border post- go to xxx”.  So, Dave and Lucas drove a few hours to another border.

How the situation unfolded was obviously God- it involved a woman with an emergency butting in on Dave while the customs officer was rifiling through his passport.  In his irritation, Dave’s passport got stamped without being reviewed carefully.  It involved Lucas needing to hand some cash to another customs agent, now refusing his entry into South Africa because of duplicate exit stamps in his temporary passport.  It involved driving quickly through the border once “cleared” for fear of any more obsticles.  It involved a modern day miracle… and me being so thankful to have my husband “home”.

Oct 03 Welcome Home!

I’ve always been a renter. I’ve never lived anywhere that wasn’t a borrowed or temporary space in one form or another. I’ve never had that sense of now I’m home. I’ve dreamed about painting walls, picking out fixtures, and having things set up “just so”- just because I like them that way.

Watching my new home in blogesphere come to life has been like building a custom house. I had a fantastic builder and after I outlined what I saw in my minds’ eye, Joel brought it to life with more beauty and creativity than I expected. The end result makes me shout, I’m home!!

So, cross the threshold with me… have a look around and make your mark… because life is still better shared!

Oct 03 A Hint

Sep 24 Questionable?

Highly Questionable!

Sep 21 Sometimes, Never, ALWAYS

Sometimes when life is hard, I feel unseen

Sometimes when I pray, I feel unheard

Sometimes I brazenly want to shake my fist at the sky or stomp my feet in a good ol’ fashioned tantrum

And then God speaks: Who do you say that I am, Amy…

He’s never indifferent

He’s never uncaring

He’s always responsive

He is the Lord.

When God’s actions look different from what I would have hoped for-  it has nothing to do with Him failing me- and everything to do with His sovereignty.  His sovereignty is about His strength, in which there’s no room for weakness. His sovereignty has everything to do with His passionate love for me, and nothing to do with indifference.

My perspective is so limited. My desires so tainted… but because He is sovereign, I can rest in assurance that everything God does, or does not do- is really about the depths of His love for me. A love that extends so much deeper, so much farther, so much wider… than I could ever comprehend.

Sep 17 Change is Coming…

Do you like change? I do.

I’ve always enjoyed re-arranging my furniture.

I love putting color on walls and if given the chance, I would change it more frequently than is really necessary.

I’m convinced that living space should be accessorized and that those accessories should be switched up- at least seasonally. I grew up in a house where mom’s baker’s rack was changed in accordance with every upcoming holiday- so I think I get my itch for “different” from her.

…and this blog is my “home” in cyberspace… so guess what???  Change is coming…

Sep 14 Captured

I take a crazy amount of pictures of my kiddos.  I think everything they do is worthy of being documented- and I love to play with photography (even though I really know nothing aside from point and shoot).  But- it’s rare when I take a shot that really caputres them. Yesterday, however, I took this one of Ellie and it’s TOTALLY her… all of her little nuances are wrapped up or somehow contained in this picture… and I love it:

Sep 10 I'm a WHAT?

There are a few labels in my life that I like: Mother, Friend, Wife, Writer, Sister. But there’s one that just doesn’t seem to fit: Missionary.  Someone called me a missionary the other day and I found myself looking around to see who they were talking about.  I wonder why it’s an uncomfortable label for me? Maybe because that word conjures so many pre-conceived ideas that rub me the wrong way. Just ask my dear friend Emily – when we were introduced almost a decade ago I was described by our mutual boss as a former missionary… and she still thinks I was wearing a long skirt with a bun in my hair when we met.  When I hear the word missionary- I don’t think of a “normal” person.  I think of someone who is probably a little weird and socially awkward.  I think of someone who loves doctrine potentially more than they love Jesus.  I think of someone who would never spend $3 on a latte…ever.

Ouch? I don’t mean any offense- this is just me talking.  And I don’t know where my pre-conceived notions about missionaries come from.  In fact, all of the “missionaries” I know (Alece, Sarah, @ngie,- just to name a few!) don’t fit this mold at all.  What I see in all of those women is that they live a missional life- A life centered on loving God and making Him known.  Being missional has nothing to do with location.  It has everything to do with lifestyle.  Heart orientation. Purpose-driven living.

I still won’t call myself a missionary. But I will choose live a missional life-  no matter where home is.

Sep 08 Inside My Brain

Life has been busy and my mind has been swirling. I haven’t stayed with a creative thought long enough to actually write a post, but I miss blogging. Ironic.

So, as I sit here- trying to flag down a waitress for yet another coffee… my mind goes here and there… have a look inside:

I wonder how long Africa will be home? Silas’ new-found accent cracks me up and makes me shake my head.

Where did I put my iPod… I swear I left it in the console and it’s not there… I’m feeling slightly panicked.

It will be nice when Ellie doesn’t wake up at 5:30

I can’t believe my dad’s here. I won’t want to take him back to the airport next week.

Budgets. Ugh… I HATE budgets. Why do finances stress me out so much… it’s just money.

My friend thinks she has a muffin-top?  REALLY??? no man…

Time to stand up and flag down a waitress…

Aug 30 Good Clean Fun

Aug 27 Overwhelmed?

Does life feel overwhelming to you too?  Like a wave barreling down from above. Like quick sand.  It feels claustrophobic. Like an overcrowded elevator on a hot summer day. I’ve felt like that a few times this week, even just moments ago.  And then, His voice says… “Choose to be overwhelmed by Me… and by Me alone.”

So that’s where I’m standing.  Submerged in who He is. Flooded by His promises. Soaking in His words.  Overwhelmed, indeed.

Aug 26 Wednesday's Window

My kiddos are accessorizing! Ellie with her adorable pigtails and Silas with his Sotho meets New Orleans hat!

Aug 24 Listen with Me

On Friday afternoon, we hosted all of the farm staff for an appreciation braai (cookout) at our house.  I should have known that in an attempt to bless them… I would be the one left feeling overwhelmed with gratitude.  The staff came all dressed up for the lunch- Ntate John (older man, probably close to 70,  who Dave has seen wrestle a blesbok to the ground and slit it’s throat) wore a suit coat over his t-shirt.  The women all had their hair done and had asked to borrow some nail polish from one of the missionary staff girls a few days prior.  I wore a skirt (which is the equivalent of a big deal). We dined together on traditional “paap and sauce”, boerwoers (sausage), chicken, and potato salad. We talked and laughed.

And then, the “spokesman” (for lack of a better word) of the farm staff, Ntate Willy, addressed Dave and I and made me teary with his words of gratitude for our friendship.  As the staff all began to sing together- my tears flowed.  We recorded just a small bit of it… but if there’s anything about living in South Africa that speaks directly to my soul… it’s hearing South Africans sing..  so, listen with me:

[audio http://expectantandbeyond.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/staff-singing.mp3]

Aug 20 Last Book

My heart is proud: I’m Silas’ last book of the day.  Yep, in mom’s terms this is the equivalent of being a last call.  You know- being that connection, that person, that you want to share your final moments of the day with before drifting off to sleep.

So, we have a new routine at bed time in our house.  While I put Ellie to bed-  Dave starts books with Silas.  Then I get to do last book and we say our bedtime prayers.  I love it.  I love these moments of being a mom. Of knowing that every moment I invest in my children matters… and that they treasure our moments together in their own way… just as I treasure them in mine.

Here’s to being last book…

Aug 18 It's On Amazon Part II!!

I’m so proud… Dave’s second documentary on the Basotho culture here in South Africa is now available on Amazon!!

Check it out… HERE.

Aug 17 Are you Hungry?

It’s a familiar passage: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled (Matthew 5:6).

When I  read over those words without really thinking twice, I knew it was time to skip a few meals.  And in doing so, I was reminded of a few things about hunger. It consumes. It necessitates action. It’s not easily ignored. It’s need-based. It’s never permanently satiated. These are not descriptions that I would normally use to describe my relationship with God… but apparently, they should be.

In the midst of hunger, the emphasis of that passage totally changes for me. The emphasis becomes for they will be filled. When you’re hungry, really hungry, you want nothing more than to be full. The blessing is in the fullness.

After tinkering with hunger- I also needed to refresh my understanding of righteousness. Here are a few definitions that I loved (thanks to Wikeped!a):

• Reckoned as leading a life that is pleasing to God
• Being shielded by God and His righteousness (as an attribute of God)
• Those who trust they will be vindicated by the Lord

Now I read over that verse again and I pause. I should be consumed with being in right-relationship with God.  I should pursue Him relentlessly. I should be motivated by my need for Him and my depravity without Him.  I should never feel as though I’ve had enough of God.  My desire for God should be nagging, insatiable.

In the pause, I also feel relief- because I know this hunger and thirst for Him isn’t anything I can muster in my own heart. It’s on Him to answer my prayer of this verse. It’s on me to dare and pray it.

Lord, make me hungry and thirsty for you…and let me know the blessing of being filled by all that you are…

Aug 15 Dance in the Rain

I have to fight the urge to complain. Toxic words often try to seep past the gates of my lips- and sometimes I spring a leak.  Such was my inner-battle the other day, as I was shuffling down my staircase and getting ready to head out the door- again.  I stopped midway down- partially because of dizziness and partially because of a God-tug on my heart.  I was wanting to complain about our day without electricity and our many days without modern conveniences such as internet- and the list goes on, and on, and on (did I mention I currently have no oven or range to cook on? Yeah).

But the God-tug made me stop and mentally begin to scroll down another list… a list of things that over the years I’ve wanted to have in my life. He was helping me realize that in the midst of this trying season, I’m actually surrounded by so many of the specific desires of my heart.  Among them: living in the mountains, our log-style home with a spiral staircase and a wrap-around porch, having a great view of the sunrise, and actually being here, in South Africa again.

God wants us to see all of the treasures He gives to us in the midst of (what could be called) storms.  We can focus on the threatening clouds or we can choose to dance in the rain-  should it come. The face of my heart may feel splattered with raindrops- or even hail- but I’m going to choose to dance.  To sit on my porch and gaze with wonder at the beauty of South Africa. To smile knowingly (because He’s doing the same) as I run up and down my spiral stairs. To cherish being up before the sun and watching it rise.  And in doing so… the floodgates of my mouth will be opened… but this time with words of praise. Of gratitude. Of thanks.

Aug 13 Big Picture

By nature, I tend to be a detail-oriented person and lately I’ve been challenged to be a big-picture thinker.  I’ve been praying for some divine intervention to fill the gap between my innate skills and the ones I’m needing to utilize during this season.  As I was huffing and puffing along Zebra Rd. earlier this week- I told God I needed a map to be an effective big-picture planner.  And I feel like he gave it to me. So, in case you find yourself with a similar challenge on your plate- I want to share it with you… the map for big picture thinking with detail oriented results:

1. Visualize: what does the end result need to look like? What’s the goal?

2. Strategize:  How do we reach that end result?… outline the details of who, what, where, when, how…

3. Energize: Share the vision of the goal, enlist help in finalizing the strategy, and delegate to capable teammates

4. Realize: the day in and day out implementation that will ultimately lead to reaching the goal

Of course, there are a zillion little steps in between each big one- but every long journey needs some milemarkers… and these are mine!

Aug 12 The Next Dozen

Over the weekend I celebrated my 12th wedding anniversary! And if you know me well… you know that I love to reminisce. So on this day, I couldn’t help but to think back and remember every detail of my wedding that my memory has not let fade with time (here are a few):

• I remember waking up that morning, lying in bed with my eyes closed but with my mind wide open.  I remember thinking this very day is the one I’ve imagined and dreamed of since I was a little girl.
• I remember stepping into my wedding dress and feeling like a princess. I felt… beautiful.
• I remember being walked down the isle by my dad- the way his one arm was wrapped through mine and his other hand was holding on to me- I could feel the tension of his joy and sadness- but more than anything, I knew he was proud of me and that I would always be his little girl.
• I remember David walking down to meet us at the front of the church, slipping his arm into mine where my dad’s had just been.
• I remember saying I do.
• I remember the kiss.
• I remember the roof-raising celebrating that took place at the reception.

But one important thing escapes me.  As hard as I try- I can’t remember my vows.  I didn’t write them, but I recited them… and I don’t remember the details.  I remember “for better or worse” and “for richer or poorer” and “with this ring, I thee wed”… but I’m sure there had to be some more depth spoken. Right? In the absence of the original vows, I decided to write a new one to guide the next dozen years of our life together.  And everything I wrote could be summed up in one line: … to choose David every day, just as I chose him that day.

So I wonder… what does that look like lived out?

Aug 11 Living (In)Courage

I’ve been lurking- waiting for this new site for women to actually launch- and it has, and I’m so loving it.  If you haven’t already discovered it, let me  introduce you…

So what does it mean for me to live in-courage?  It means walking forward with strength of heart when all I want to do is run away, or jump out of the boat that has carried me to deep waters.  It means looking at bank statements for the ministry and trusting God that every dime will be there when it needs to be there.  It means dropping my son off at pre-school and driving away for those few long hours. It means being here in South Africa, right where God wants me, and being all-here.

What does it mean to you?

Aug 10 Look Up With Me

I talk a lot about the Southern hemisphere stars that often take my breath away… and now, I invite you to look up with me.  A mission team member took these pictures a few weeks ago… and they capture my night sky perfectly…

That bright clump that you can see… it’s the Milkyway… here’s a closer look:

Beautiful, huh?

… as a total side note, I’m starting a series of posts themed …with me.  Months ago I invited you to Walk With Me- and now I’m compiling a list of other parts of my life here in South Africa to share with you through pictures.  So tell me, what would you like to see?

Aug 07 Bad Form?

I’m pressing on with my love-hate relationship of all things running.  I hate the actual physical labor part but I love what I learn from in it.  I learn a lot about how my mind works- about the conversations I have with myself and the way they influence my actions.  Like how when I get tired, I tell myself to quit because I’m weak.  Like when my legs fatigue, and I tell myself to stop because what I really want is to be comfortable.  Like when my breathing is heavy and I think that my body controls me instead of me controlling my body.

Last week in the midst of a run, I realized that I have bad form.  That my eyes are often looking down at the pavement instead of at the horizon. And then I realized why.  For me, finish lines seem too far off.  To actually get there, I have to look down at each step and ask myself, “do I have enough in me for this step? and this one? and this one?” and with each pounding step my will says yes.  But when I look too far ahead- I don’t think I have what it takes to get from the proverbial here to the proverbial there.

And the same is true in my life.  If you had told me four years ago when we were starting to plan a family that I would flirt with entering eternity during Silas’ birth- I probably would have backed out in fear and now be missing all of the joy that’s wrapped up in Silas.  If you would have told me that a few short months after his delivery, that I’d move 10 hours away and start life again- I wouldn’t have let myself say “go for it Dave, apply for grad school- we’ll find a way to make it work”.  If you would have told me that I’d be vomiting everyday for 27 weeks- I probably would have hesitated before saying “let’s try to have another baby“… and have you seen my princess?  If you would have told me that the day Ellie turned 3 months old that I’d be on a plane relocating to South Africa- I would have thought you were smoking crack.  If you would have told me that while I’m here I’d be leading Thrive… I would have said… impossible.

I hope to one day get to the place where I can look at the horizon, at the destination, and not doubt that He will journey every laboring step with me.  But for now, I’ll keep keep my eyes on the step right in front of me, with an occasional glance up to make sure that I’m staying on course.

What about you… do you find endurance by looking at each step or by looking at the finish line?

Aug 05 One Man, Two Words

Growing up, I was always the one who volunteered.  If something needed coordinated, or planned, or lead… I’d shoot my hand up in the air so fast that I was sure to be first.   Now I know, that back then I viewed leadership as if through a peephole. My “working definition” of what was involved in leadership was some combination of  taking responsibility and giving direction; but it was an incredibly narrow view of what it means to be the one at the helm (of anything).

During this season of my life, I’ve been learning a lot about leadership.  What I know for sure-  is that to be an effective leader, I have to remain an intentional learner.  And I’ve found that there’s no better place to look for instructions about leadership than to one Man and two words:  Jesus saying “Follow me”.  His example tells me that leadership is more about life-actions than words.  It tells me that leadership requires relationship, visibility, and authenticity.  That I have to live an example worth following, then have enough boldness to utter the words that he did.

As I learn to be a better leader- I’m chewing on the words that my life-actions speak- and spitting out those unappetizing pieces of gristle.  It’s liberating to know that He’s really the one at the helm… both of my life and of this ministry, because that means this season of leadership- is really just about following Him.  And following, I can do.

Want to chew with me? What are your life-actions saying?

Aug 01 Genuine.

Starting Silas in preschool here in South Africa was a little bit terrifying for me.  In addition to the normal hurdles that come along with this early and initial step of fostering independence… I knew that Silas would face some unique obstacles.  He’s the only American.  His accent is different and he struggles at times to understand the dialects that he hears.  The teachers use English in the classroom, which most of the other kids understand, but a myriad of languages are spoken on the playground.

At the end of each school day, I watch his classroom door creep open and the  frenzy of 3-year-olds that come pouring out like bees from a hive.  Many of them are paired up in friendship- but Silas runs towards me alone.  This got me praying. I started to ask God to overcome every barrier and give Silas a solid friend at school.

No kidding, the next afternoon when the classroom door crept open, I saw the frenzy of kids spilling out… and then I saw Silas.  He was dragging his backpack behind him… and another little boy was helping him pull it along.  When Silas saw me, he let go of his bag and ran to the fence- and his friend continued to carry Silas’ bag until they both reached us.  I smiled at the little face of this stranger and my heart let out a ‘God, you’re so good…” We made our way to the truck and I asked Silas about his day.  I asked him to tell me the name of his new friend, and he said “Genuine”.  I was unsure, so I asked again and Silas said, “his name is Genuine”.

I learned from Silas’ teacher that the other little boy’s name is actually Benjamin… but Genuine also sounds like a perfect fit to me!!

Jul 15 Amy Tshabalala ("cha-ba-la-la")

“You are Tshabalala now. Part of this family. Your African family.”

Several months back I introduced you to Mike and Lizzy.  Several weeks back, Dave participated in a very culturally significant lobola (”la-bow-la”) or bohali (”bow-ha-di”) ceremony where Dave joined all of Mike’s extended male relatives in negotiating and paying a bride price for Lizzy.  After this momentous event, Mike and Lizzy became the equivalent of married, since Mike paid the Sotho version of a dowry. It was at the end of this day that Mike’s extended family adopted us as one of their own.  With tears betraying his inner resolve, Dave quoted back to me what one of the elder males of the family had said to him: “I never thought I would live to see a white man caring about me or my family…you are Tshabalala now…”

Several days back, Lizzy gave birth to their first child- a son.  They named him “Lunga” (loongah), meaning good man, in honor of David.

Jul 11 I Did Say a Prayer

It was the middle of the afternoon and Silas walked up to me with a serious expression on his face. He said, “I did say a prayer for sister”- his inflection conveyed pride.  I smiled and said, “that’s being a great brother- mommy’s proud of you!”  Without much pause he added, “that she’d fly-fly away.”

Apparently, he’s learning what it means to have an honest heart before God.  And I was reminded how good it is to laugh. Hard.

Jul 06 Crazy Busy

I’m in the midst of a crazy busy couple of months… so if you find yourself missing me here (or so I’d like to think)… did you know you can find me here?  I currently write or edit all of the posts for the Thrive Africa field blog… which is full of daily happenings here in South Africa (and will give you a glimpse at what the crazy busyness is about!).

Jun 26 Winter Fun

If you’re on Facebook and you see my status updates- you know it’s been freakin’ cold here in South Africa! But, we’re trying to make the most of it- and especially of our days with afternoon-warming sun. So, here’s a picture post of our last two weeks…

Jun 19 Smash The Box

Today and tomorrow I have the privilege of leading a retreat for 24 young adults who are joining us for two months of serving in South Africa.  This morning began by us talking about the box that we tend to place God in.  The ways we confine Him with our limiting expectations, and how that makes us miss out on so much of who He is.  Next up, was applying this to our own lives… recognizing that we also tend to limit who God is in us with the confines of who we think we are and what we expect of ourselves.  In reality, the only limitations we face in life are the ones we place on ourselves- because with God, ALL things are possible (Phil 4:13).  So, I challenge myself and I challenge you… to look at the box we’ve become comfortable with… and then let God smash it.  His work in us is complete.  We need only to be willing to walk in it… box free.

Jun 14 Love This…

My husband took this photo about a week ago… and I can’t stop looking at it.  I love that South Africa has seeped in to my children, and that they have seeped in to South Africa.

Jun 12 Make Me Grow

There are some situations in my life right now that just plain stink.  They aren’t situations I created or that I have control over. But they impact me.  Their effects seep in to my daily life and the best way I can describe that, is that it stinks.  I was talking to God about this yesterday… and I swear I got a glimpse of His humor when I heard Him speak to my heart “yup, that’s fertilizer- it stinks but you can also use it to grow.”  So somewhat cautiously, I started my day today with a prayer… “God, make me grow- in this, in everything, make me grow.”

Jun 11 Happy Birthday…

A year ago today- I was getting ready to meet her.  She’d grown with me, inside of me- and I anticipated seeing her face to face more than a child anticipates Christmas morning.  I had prayed for her and treasured her while only knowing her squirms and hiccups. But I knew her… and was already totally overwhelmed with joy that she was my daughter.

… and then she came…

…and opened a whole new cavern of my heart…

The first year of her life has been an incredible journey.  In her first days we escaped a flood, and in her first months we traveled across the Atlantic to set up home in South Africa.  By the time Ellie was three months old, she’d been in 6 states and two countries.  She seems born for adventure. I’m just honored to share it with her…

Happy Birthday Ellie… I love you!!!

Jun 08 The Mountain

The weeks ahead are big ones.  Challenging ones. In some ways, I’ve felt like I’m facing a mountain.  So, yesterday I decided to bring my inward journey outward- and I climbed a mountain.  It was empowering. It reminded me how the things I’m facing this month will be conquered in just the same way: one step at a time, with my eyes (and heart) fixed Up.

View from the top!

May 31 Can't Slow Him Down

On Tuesday, Silas broke his collar-bone.  It was a pretty traumatic experience for all of us- but we know that the Big Man was looking out for him… because his injuries could have been much, MUCH worse- so we’re thankful.  Dave and I were skeptical about how Silas would handle being in a sling, and how he’d adapt to the “take it easy” orders for the next two weeks.  Well, we’ve realized the sling doesn’t phase him, and there’s no slowing him down…

May 27 The Village Will Hear

As part of Dave’s field research- he got introduced to Ntate Tatsi; and 80-year-old man who is considered an expert on Sotho culture; he’s even a featured weekly radio guest in Qwa Qwa.  Dave meets weekly with Tatsi at his modest home made of mud bricks and a tin roof.  They sit together and go through a large notebook of old photographs that Dave compiled as a way to generate conversations about the culture.  With Tatsi, Dave usually gets a word or two out before Tatsi fills the rest of the time proudly talking about everything Sotho- and Dave sits nearby, with his audio recorder capturing it all.

This past weekend, we had the honor of hosting Ntate Tatsi, his 8-year-old son, and some other friends (including Dave’s interpreter, Lucas) for a braai (cookout).  We got to share a little bit about our culture but inevitably, we all ended up sitting with our eyes fixed on Tatsi as he shared from his past.  At the end of the lunch, over some chocolate cake, Ntate Tatsi looked directly at Dave and I and started talking intently.  Lucas translated for us… “tomorrow, my whole village will hear of this. I never thought I would have this kind of day and be a guest of foreigners. You must never change- you must become like the elephant” (which was explained to us as the highest type of honor or respect that you can pronounce for another in Sesotho).  Then Tatsi asked that we take a photo together- so that it could be given to his son “to share with the generations after me about this day- and so that when he is a man, he remembers.”

We’ve known since Dave met Ntate Tatsi that he’s been making a profound investment in all that Dave’s doing here.  We never in a million years imagined that a simple lunch together would do the same for Tatsi.  What a privilege.

May 25 En Route

I was en route to Silas’ preschool today and had two random but funny experiences. The first, is that I was held up by an escaping herd of cows. I did my neighborly duty, and got in touch with the farmer who owns them- but had to laugh at me trying to inch my way through a large herd of cows without a functional horn. I looked at a LOT of tail today. Literally.

The second- is that I pulled up to a construction required stop (as they fix our tar road, one lane is often closed) and I was singing. Loudly. Since we don’t have a functional radio- I wear my iPod while I’m alone in the car and sometimes forget that I put on quite a show. Well, the old Basotho man on the side of the road- who stood up and started clapping at the end of my song, made me realize that my windows were cracked. He heard it all.

May 21 In Your Face, Failure…

I had about 40 minutes of light left, so I set my aim high and kicked my rear-end into gear, climbing upwards. I had a visual goal of where I wanted to get before heading back down. And then, about a third of the way there- I was exhausted. I stopped, looked at the setting sun, and told myself I should just head back. Afterall, I’d worked a long day and surely my efforts counted for something.

So, I started down the side of the mountain. With every step my badgering self-talk got louder and louder: if you can’t do this, how will you ever do that? Are you a quitter? You’re going to fail…

I stopped dead in my tracks, turned around, and re-started my ascent. Not because any part of me wanted to- but because I refuse to buy-in to the lie that I’m weak. That I can’t accomplish my physically-challenging goals. I climbed harder and faster than I ever have. My legs throbbed with effort, my heart was pounding, and at times I was literally saying out loud- you will do this. And I did.

My descent, in near darkness, took almost as much work as going up- because my legs were jittery with fatigue. My heart was still pounding- but it was also renewed by determination. It felt good to confront my fear of failure and push past it to a personal victory. When I reached the end- I smiled that I had enough strength left to cock my head and bust out a little attitude… as I said, in your face, failure!!

Here’s to pressing on…

May 20 She Shines…

… especially her left eye

My First Shiner

May 17 Pep-Talk

Now that the air is turning cold (remember- no indoor heat) and I’m resisting the urge to have a pity party for myself (since you are entering Spring/Summer)… it’s time to focus on the perks of living in South Africa:

• I have house help, and as of a few weeks ago- “Emily” comes Monday through Friday.  I can’t think of a better season of life (with having two little ones) to have someone helping me keep up with laundry, dishes (no dishwasher) and cleaning.  It’s WONDERFUL (and truth be told- I haven’t cleaned a bathroom for 8 months!!).
• The mountains are gorgeous and they make me feel small- in a good way.
• The southern hemisphere stars are absolutely amazing- especially since there are no lights for literal miles from our porch.  I love when I can see the Milky Way so clearly- I swear, it’s like a pile of diamonds on black velvet.
• I have never seen such consistently beautiful sunrises and sunsets. And, given my current daily grind- I usually get to see both.
• All of the petrol (gas) stations are full-service, and not just pumping the gas- but washing the windows, checking tire pressure, and oil/water levels.  It’s handy.
• The animals on the farm never get old.  I still stop to stare at just about all of the wildlife- especially the zebra, water buck, and ostriches.  Love em’.

Hmmm, I’m already overlooking that my indoor curtains are blowing in the brisk draft that seeps through all walls…

May 15 A Big Step…

It has been quite a week- it feels monumental actually.

On Tuesday, we finally found a pre-school in town that we felt comfortable with.  Actually- that’s an understatment- we finally found a preschool that we are excited about for Silas.  We spent an hour or so interviewing the staff and watching Silas mingle with the other kids.  We learned about their “philosophy” of “play school” and how they implement their Christian foundation in the daily happenings of their 3-year-old class.  And then we made the big decision to “claim” the final spot they had open.  The very next day, with butterflies in my stomach and a knot in my throat- I watched my son head off to school for the very first time.

I was nervous. I prayed incessantly. I was excited for Silas and scared for him all at the same time.  I swapped text messages with Dave about thirty times- as he was checking-in on Silas through the fence during the entire 3-hour first day of preschool.  It’s crazy, how in the same instant Silas felt so much like a little boy to me- ready to take this next step of growing up- and then he also felt so small; like he really just belongs nuzzled in my lap forever. But I let him go… and I’m so proud of him.

May 07 Favorite Things

I was so excited to take this picture the other day. Not because of any spectacular photographic properties (and hello, Silas will “smile” for pictures now, but always closes his eyes…shame)- but because it captures Silas surrounded by all of his favorite things. His blanket, his blocks, and his three trains that go almost everywhere with him- and always join him for bedtime.
If you had a picture taken with your favorite things… what would I see?

May 06 A Year's Worth

Had I realized that my last post was #365- I’d have written this then. But, since I only noticed it today- I’m cutting myself some slack and still choosing to write about a years worth of life and blogging.

A year ago- my life looked very different than it does today. A year ago- I was enormously pregnant, living in Iowa, and parenting Silas was my full-time job. A year ago, I lived in a duplex in the middle of UI’s campus and it took some effort for me to see wide open spaces.

Now, I live on the side of a mountain in South Africa and my nearest neighbors are over a mile away. In addition to parenting, I’ve stepped in to a leadership role that has required more of me than I thought I had to give- and at the same time gives me so many opportunities to experience how real and big God is.

Sometimes in the midst of my life journey, I want to be able to see ahead- to know what’s next- to map out the 5-year life plan.  But when I think in hindsight- I know God’s way of living one day at a time… is really the only way for me to make it to any destination.  Otherwise, I would avoid the mountains to stay on level, comfortable ground.

Here’s to another year’s worth of life and blogging…

May 02 Humorous or Horrible?

I would have to say a little of both. The day that I wrote my last post- and announced (for accountability) that I’m training for the Harrismith mountain race- I had an accident, and sprained my ankle. OUCH. I was walking down our driveway (I need to clarify…we live more than a mile high on the side of a mountain- so our driveway is a hiking path more than a typical driveway) with Silas and Ellie. I don’t know what happened, but suddenly I was aware that I was falling to the ground, and with Ellie on my hip, I needed to think fast or she was going to hit the pavement. There was some awkward contortion involved in raising Ellie as high up above my head as possible, and then I fell hard- keeping her raised high. I was immediately aware that my knee was bloody and my elbow was throbbing. When I got it together enough to stand up- I knew I’d done some ankle damage. I didn’t know if I’d be able to hike back up to our house… but with two kids in tow, I didn’t really have a choice. Sooo… I’m trying to laugh at the irony but I still think it’s horrible. So, I have a job for you- check back with me in a week or so to make sure I re-start my training.

Apr 30 Switching Columns

I’ve got a pretty sizable life-long to-do list.  But, I’ve been realizing lately- that I need to move at least one thing at a time from the “I’d like to” column in my brain, to the “I will” column of my actions. Otherwise, I’ll allow distraction or apathy to keep me from attaining these aspirations.  And somewhere in the complexities of why certain things are on my list… is the simple truth that they are the desires of my heart. And those, I think, are put in each of us for a reason.

For this season of life… the one I’m moving over to the I will column, is getting in the best physical shape of my adult life and celebrating it by finishing the Harrismith Mountain Race in October. Kitty can tell you- I’ve talked about this race for the better part of a decade. Something about it makes me want to complete it- even though I’m far from being any sort of athlete. But, you know the saying- the journey of a thousand miles starts with one step. My first step- is going public. On step down, a zillion and five to go!!!

So, what about your lists… anything you want to move from “I’d like to” to “I will?”

Apr 29 Wednesday's Window: Pure Bliss

I got swept away this week. A total surprise, that was pure bliss. On Sunday, I left the base with Jennifer and Gator Dave (not my hubby) to take a mission team to Mabula for overnight safari.  On Monday, we dropped them off at the airport and said our goodbyes- and “decided” to eat in the city at Primi Piatti before the drive back to Harrismith.  And then Dave and the kiddos showed up… three hours from home- ready for some fine South African dining.  We ate, and had a belated birthday celebration for me (as part of their birthday “fun”- there was table dancing involved- GASP!) and then Jenn took my kiddos home and cared for them overnight while Dave took me here:  The Palazzo Hotel at Montecasino. We stayed in an amazing suite decked out with rose petals everywhere, champagne, flowers, sushi, fondue… and the list goes on.  I knew when I was greeted by double doors to open the hotel room- that it was going to be amazing… and it was… pure bliss!

Thank you Love, for making this the best birthday ever. You knocked my socks off!!!

Apr 19 The Circle of (Farm) Life

*disclaimer: graphic farm-life described…

I live on a farm. In South Africa.  More than distance makes it a long-way-away from what I’ve always known as home.  And this week, I’ve realized that part of me will always be a city girl (did you know I’ve always wanted to live in Chicago???).  We’ve had some hunters here to enjoy “sport” and kill reduce the herd of blesbok.  We have a few thousand of them on the property- and they are/were overpopulated by about 400.  So, I kept my kids indoors and found the closest thing to hunter orange that I could wear… and I flinched every time I heard a gunshot.  “Blesbok down” ran through my mind over and over and over again.  And then, I saw it. The bakkie (pick-up truck) that had a make-shift hanging system for all of the dead animals.  They were strung upside down by the feet, backs banging against the bakkie, heads missing, blood draining.  It was… gruesome.  It made my stomach turn, and truth be told- it wasn’t until today that I could allow a piece of meat to enter my mouth.  And once I thought about it… it made me sick. Later that night, when the stars and half-moon were my only light… I drove back up to our house with the windows down.. or momentarily down.  I could literally smell the blood.  And it was gross.

The hunters are gone for now- but they’ll be back.  The herd got smart and hid high up in the hills and stayed on the move whenever a vehicle came around.  So, they still need to finish the slaughter job.  I know it’s all part of the circle of life… but I have been brainstorming about how to hide about 2,000 animals in my back yard.  Shame.

Apr 15 I Need a Band-Aid

The last few days have been challenging ones. It started Easter evening. The day had been full of goodness- morning church service, afternoon braai (cookout)- and I went home around 6 feeling physically exhausted but with a full heart. It was about a half-hour later that Silas wanted nothing to do with his Easter basket- or his chocolate- and I knew something was up. Within the hour, he was in my lap shivering and the vomiting began- and it didn’t stop until Tuesday. In the midst of one profuse episode, with tears streaming down his cheeks and his chest heaving, he looked at me and through quivering lips said, “I need a band-aid”.

The look on his pitiful face said even more to me than his audible words but what I heard him saying was… I’m hurting, I’m sick, and I want to feel better. Please comfort me and make this go away. And for the next 30 hours- I tried to be as physical-a-band-aid as I could be. I held him a lot. I sang to him a ton. I prayed over him constantly. And just so he knew I was there, and that I heard him… I stuck lots of band aids on his hands and feet.

At the end of these long few days… I found myself laying in bed and crying out to God… I need a band-aid… and those few words were plenty for my Father to know just what I needed; that I needed Him.  When we don’t have the strength to say all that needs to be said… we can simply say we need Him… in whatever words we can muster…and that’s enough… and He’ll show up.

Apr 12 Strip It Off

It’s Easter Sunday- so can you guess what I want to talk about??? Jesus.  Imagine that.

I can’t fathom the initial fear Mary must have felt when the angel paid her a visit, if even for a second. Not because of his presence, but because of his words. She was a pregnant. A virgin.  Engaged to be married.  This news meant rejection and potentially being stoned to death if she heard anything but the call and promise of God.  And that was our Savior’s beginning…

I wince when I try to visualize the horrific scene of the cross.  I can’t begin to grasp the pain of His flesh being torn and His body being hung on a tree, with spikes piercing through Him to wood.  And Jesus experienced all of that… for me. For you. For our debts.

And then there’s the tomb. Damp, dark, and filled with the stench of death.  And this place is where the life-story of Jesus takes a dramatic turn.  He was in that tomb for three days… and then He came out. He stripped off His grave clothes and now beckons us to do the same.

Strip off your spiritual flesh. Strip off your pride. Strip off the choices that keep you bound. Strip off your emotional baggage. Strip off every single hindrance to knowing God and becoming more like Him. That’s what Easter is all about. That’s what He’s made possible. That’s what we celebrate today.

Apr 10 Don't Believe the Sign…

I went on a road trip to Pietermaritzburg yesterday with Charlene and Marc. Since I’m reluctantly adding another digit to my age tomorrow- Charlene arranged for a babysitter (thanks Cassie!) while Dave was working- so that I could enjoy some “big” city fun… a mall, a movie, and dinner out.  It was a great day- and I was totally blessed. And I can’t recall the last time I was out past 10pm. Wowa. Livin’ on the edge!

You know how road-trips often end up having themes or inside jokes?  Well, one that came from yesterday was… don’t believe the sign. Here in South Africa- you have to pay cash for a lot of inconvenient things- like gas. We topped off our tank at a Shell gas station that has a sign posted as you drive in… “All debit cards accepted” with the mastercard and visa logos pictured. This is a totally rare and exciting occurrence! There was even a credit-card machine hanging on the support beam by the pump. So, when it was time to pay, we handed the gas attendant (all gas stations are full service here) a visa debit card.  ”No, no, it will not work because of this sticker” (the little iridacent eagle thing).  We replied… “but your sign says all debit cards accepted- this is a visa debit card, can you try it?”  He begrudgingly tried it, and no dice.

When we came to our first toll, we were greeted by another sign with the visa and MasterCard logos- credit cards accepted for payment.  Great! Only… yeah, you guessed it.  The sign lied to us again.  Denied. Unreadable.

So, I think it’s safe to say that when signs here say “ALL”, what they really mean is “a select few.”  Did we still try our credit and debit cards just about everywhere on the road that had those signs? Of course. Did we get denied every time? Of course!

Apr 06 Roots and Wings

Truth is, I’ve been missing home.  And a few days ago I had a dream that I haven’t been able to shake- so here it is…

The line for returns and exchanges was long.  I hated to wait, but I really had no choice; I needed some serious customer service.  I had a gift to exchange- but it had been used and I didn’t have any original packaging.  I thought my chances of an exchange were better than getting a refund of sorts- so I waited, and I waited- watching the line ahead of me get shorter as I inched closer to the service desk.  The people in front of me seemed satisfied with the help they’d gotten; but I noticed something peculiar. They were walking away with all of the same things that they brought in with them- only now, they were smiling.

I was perplexed as I reached the service desk, which seemed enormous, almost larger than life. And yet, somehow the friendly eyes that met mine from behind the counter were looking directly at me, almost into me.

Him: How can I help you?

me: (timidly) Well, I need to make an exchange.

Him: Ok, let’s see how I can help, what do you want to exchange?

me: Ummm…(looking over my shoulder) these wings. They feel like a burden and I don’t want to fly anymore. Can I trade them in for something else… say, roots?

Him: Ahhhh, I see. Maybe you aren’t really looking for an exchange, but for a break from flying?

me: Well, what good are wings that aren’t used for flying?  I’d rather have something else… like roots.

Him: Let’s not discard this gift so quickly.  Don’t forget- those that are gifted with wings, are also gifted at making nests- homes for a season.  It’s true, I create some to grow deep roots and stay firmly planted- but I also give some wings- to go wherever it is that I send them, and when they land, they make their nest. Whether flying or nesting… you can be rooted in Me.  You can have your wings… and your roots can still grow deep.

me:  So, I can have roots and wings?

Him: that’s right… roots and wings.

As I turned to leave the service desk my wings didn’t feel like such a nuisance.  I met the eyes of the person waiting in line behind me, and realized, I was smiling… and I’d exchanged nothing but my point of view.

Apr 03 Calling All Moms

I need some potty training tips!!! Here’s the deal… Silas has NO problem telling me he needs to go#1, and he goes on the big-boy-potty. He rarely has any accidents and his overnight pull-ups are usually dry in the morning (impressive, right? I think so). But, Silas WILL NOT go #2 anywhere but in a pull-up.

So, do you have any advice? Can you help a sister out?!

Apr 01 iSkip

A mental picture keeps popping into my head that is totally going to date me… a classic record player. Did you ever own one? Use one? I did… I used to play the original Grease soundtrack over and over again (pretending to be Sandy, of course).

My biggest frustration with this now-outdated technology was that once your record was scratched, there was no way to fix it. And it never failed- just as I would be singing my heart out in an emotional ballad to Danny (surely, you’ve seen Grease?!), the skipping would begin. It was annoying. Disruptive. Relentless. The scratch (and thus the skipping) was always in the most inconvenient, obvious place.  There was nothing I could do to actually fix the record- so I was stuck lifting the needle and replacing it just after the blemish, if I wanted the music to continue.

And so it is with me. I’m scratched. I skip. I get stuck in a way of thinking, or feeling, or acting that goes against the grain of who I want to be. Of who God says I am. It’s Frustrating. Annoying. Disruptive. At times, I muster the self-discipline to lift the proverbial needle- but the scratch is still there and it resurfaces as the record of who I am spins round’ again. Paul described my plight perfectly in Romans 7 (paraphrased): I have discovered this principle of life- that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. I love God’s word with all my heart. But there is another power within me that is at war with my mind…Who will free me from this life dominated by the things I don’t want to do? THANK GOD- the answer is Jesus Christ.”

I need to stop trying to lift the needle and ask God to smooth out the scratch.  He is the composer behind the music of my life.

Mar 29 Seeping Through

It is so fascinating to discover the ways that my children have a little bit of me in them… random things, that seem pretty trivial but that speak loudly about how I’ve seeped in to who they are…

• I’m totally a label peeler.  I can’t stand labels on beverages, or anything else  for that matter.  And yesterday, before I colored some pictures with Silas, he spent about 15 minutes peeling the labels off of crayons. I had to laugh.
• Any time there is music playing, Ellie sways back and forth or bobs her head to the rhythm… just like me. She’s also a selective cuddler… meaning that she loves to snuggle- but only on her terms and otherwise… give the girl some space!!

My kiddos are unique individuals…  but at the same time they carry attributes that will always have me saying (s)he belongs to me. I can’t help but let my heart connect this to my own Father-daughter relationship with God… to hope that  He looks at me and says she belongs to me… look at how I seep through… with the same overwhelming and tender affection that I experience as a parent.  To even think that He feels that way about me?  It leaves me speechless.

Mar 27 Many Shades of Gray

On my one-and-a-half mile commute to and from work I usually see a few zebras.  I love that their patterns are as unique as our finger tips… each one is distinct and irreplaceable… and yet they are also simplistic… black and white.

Sometimes, I wish my life could be like that… beautiful, yet simplistic. Black and white instead of many shades of gray.  I can poke a little bit of fun at the ways I’m complicated… like my tendencies to over analyze and be over-emotional.  These things make me who I am, but they can also make me struggle.  In being gray,  I want to follow my heart without any considerations from my head. I am prone to passion without reason… I feel a lot more than I think, and sometimes that gets me into trouble.  But I guess there is also beauty to be found in complexity… in having to struggle to live-out the black and white when gray comes so much easier.

Mar 17 Creature (Dis)Comforts

Living on a farm in South Africa comes with some expected challenges… like much more “nature” than even my outdoor-inclined self can handle.  Over the last week, I’ve had quite a few creature-related-discomforts, that I can’t help but share…

• with cold weather right around the corner all of the reptiles are “on the move” (according to our farm manager) and preparing to hibernate. Maybe that explains the HUGANGOUS puff-adder that we found on our driveway. We drove right over it, reversed over it, and drove over it again. It still slithered off into the grass, but we’re confident it died because we “smashed the insides” (according to our farm manager!).  I’m telling you, to hold on to this snake, two hands would be necessary to get around it’s girth.  Nasty. 
• No joke, about an hour later we were driving some back roads towards the N3 interstate and we came across a HUGE creature that totally startled Dave and I.  He hit the breaks pretty hard so we could catch a better look… and my response was what the heck is a komodo-dragon doing in South Africa?  Turns out it was a monitor lizard, which is in the same family as a komodo dragon.  Literally- it was at least 6ft. long.  A few days later, our farm manager chased a 4-ft. monitor lizard up a tree, right here at home. 
• We’d heard tale that as the weather got cold we should be prepared for rats. But I had no idea what an African-sized-rat really looked like, and now that I’ve seen them… I know they are much bigger and much less scared of me than I’m comfortable with.  They scurry along our porch and dig hard at our wood to try and get inside.  So far, they haven’t had any luck, and the poison we put under the porch seems to have done the trick.  So, so gross.
• Last night, as I was rocking Ellie to sleep (yep, she’s got yet another nickname- but this one is Dad’s favorite, so how can I resist?!) I felt something fly by my face.  As I got my eyes focused, I saw a bat on a kamikaze mission for my head. I jumped, and he missed. Dave later caught it in a blanket and put it back in the great outdoors… but come on already!!!

All I can tell myself, is… this is life on a farm in South Africa.

Feb 28 Cape Town Baby!

That’s the phrase that Emily and I keep saying to each other… over and over and over again.  She landed in Joburg yesterday- we spent the night in the city and then flew to Cape Town early this morning.  We (i.e.- SHE) got incredibly sunburnt on an open-bus city tour, followed by some serious retail therapy. Tomorrow, we’ll be ringing in her birthday with a full day of shark diving. FREAK OUT!

Here are some photo highlights thus far:

Feb 27 Wardrobe Malfunction

Going to town here in South Africa is a bit different than running errands at home. People still get “dressed” for trips to town- kind of how I imagine things were stateside a few (okay, several) decades back. I try to find a happy medium… no athletic wear in town, but jeans… yes… I can’t live without my jeans!!

Anyway, I’m digressing… most likely to avoid my point! So, yesterday I had a full afternoon in town… after “working” for several hours on the farm. I took Silas to get his hair cut, got groceries, ordered up some Nando’s take-away for dinner.  I got home in the early evening and one of the first things Dave said to me was “nice undies.”

“Huh?” I was puzzled. “You have a huge tear across the butt of your jeans” he said. My hand immediately contorted into an awkward position to feel the potential exposure… and sure enough, a very large, not-discreet-in-any-way tear ran across the butt of my jeans. Was I at least wearing subtle undies? Nope. Try canary yellow and they were shiny at that.

I was MORTIFIED. And when I was recalling my new most embarrassing moment to a long-distance-friend…  all I kept thinking about was, “how did I not feel a breeze?” Shame…

Do you have any wardrobe malfunctions to share?

Feb 26 Scarlet Letters

There are a lot of things that compete for first place in my heart.  Things like my husband, my family, my friends.  Even things that I just like spending my time on… like blogging, reading, taking and editing pictures.  The problem is, when those things subtly creep to the top of my priority list- the Lover of my soul gets pushed aside, or moved down, and I get left with scarlet letters: my family, my friends, blogging, pictures

If I let anything come before Him it’s like my heart has taken another lover- and suddenly, those “harmless” things leave my soul imprinted with a large A. My heart has room for many loves, but only one Lover. One passionate, consuming, jealous Lover.

Father, keep your rightful place as the Lover of my soul. Don’t let me cheat on you. Help me to love you as steadily, faithfully, and relentlessly as you love me…

Feb 25 Wednesday's Window

Shawna- this one is for you… Wednesday’s Windows are back!!  These pictures are from the past week- we went on a family hike at Royal Natal Park, and our sweet princess got a new high-chair.  Hope you enjoy

Feb 23 Throwing Stones

Silas has no idea that one of his favorite games- throwing rocks into the water- is incredibly good for my heart.  See, I throw stones right alongside him- but as I pick them up, I give them a name… like fear, worry, insecurity, shame.  And then I fling them as hard as I can into the air, watch them break the surface of the water , and then sink out of sight.  Sure, I still know the rocks exist… but I’m not carrying their weight anymore.  They aren’t weighing me down. Instead, I’ve let them be absorbed by Something much bigger, where the ripples they create last only as long as their names are on my lips. Through Silas’ game- He has taught me a whole new way to pray. Or play. Or both.

Feb 12 Spray-On Grace

The last time I was in Kentucky, my friend Emily loaded me up with some Philosophy beauty products… are you familiar with these? They’re pretty darn wonderful. The scent of the things she has given me in the past is “grace”… and this time around, she had a large bottle of the body spray/perfume for me. At the time, I was just thankful for the thoughtful gift. Now, I know it was a godsend. I can’t help but smile in the morning when I use my spray-on-grace. It has actually become a little morning ritual that as I press the pump… my heart tells God that I know I need His grace to make it through the day… and it reminds me to choose to walk in grace … both towards myself- and towards those around me. Nothin’ like the thoughtfulness of a dear friend and a reminder from the Big Man to start the day off right… so here’s to spray-on-grace!!

Feb 10 Lighten Up

I’ve spent the last four days parenting my two little ones solo… which is no small task. But, in the midst of some other life-happenings, these days have actually been a welcomed reprieve. My kids have a way of making me lighten up… which is just what the Dr. of my heart ordered.

So, picture this (morning)…iPod music thumping, Silas dancing around in a t-shirt and pull-up, me wearing a blanket cape- also dancing around, and my princess squealing with laughter.

Perfect!

Feb 08 Hiatus Happenings

My internet hiatus was prompted by many things… it was just a good time for me to be unplugged. But did I miss you? You bet! So lets catch up…

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. My parents came for a visit- which was absolutely phenomenal. We spent a few days on the farm, a few days on safari, a few days at the coast, and a few hours dreading our goodbyes. It was so great to share South Africa with them- and I think they had a blast. I posted some of our favorite pictures to this public album… so have a look!

I realized while not blogging that my pen and paper journaling has become scarce- and my head and heart feel full of all sorts of “share-ables”… but I find myself at a loss for where to even start?!  All I can think about is the flashing “no vacancy” sign in my brain when I want to add one more thing to my mental list of must-write-abouts.  And yet, this cursor stares at me waiting to be moved.

I guess I’ll start by just jumping back in the saddle…

I’m back

Jan 18 MIA

We got internet back up on the farm, and occasionally, I even get a signal at my house- WOOHOO!! But, alas… I’ve decided to go on an internet hiatus. I’m not unplugging completely- I’ll be checking email… so you can reach me there if you miss me

So yeah… I’ll be back at some point…

Jan 09 One of Those (Great) Days

At the end of my day yesterday- I found myself almost speechless. It was one of those “I’m so thankful I live in S. Africa” days. There was nothing out of the ordinary or super special that happened… it was just the daily grind of my life… but it was good. Really, really good. And at the end of it… I honestly knew there was no where else I would rather be than right where I am… and that made my heart smile and my soul feel light.

Of course… there were some definite highlights… like taking Silas on an ATV ride around the property and chasing/naming animals. There was the family hike on the backside of the mountain, watching a slow sunset, and teaching Silas how to corral cows. There was the electricity cutting off right in the middle of me cooking dinner… which just made me laugh, because I didn’t really want to cook anyway. There was me watching Silas and Dave heading down our driveway to go on a father-son stroll… in white t-shirts, undies/boxers, tevas, and with walking sticks. It was priceless.

And to top off all of the goodness… the internet people were here today… for HOURS… and for the moment… I have an internet connection at home. This… is amazing. And the fact that it is slower than dial-up… doesn’t matter one bit!!