Aug 25 An Audience of One

…should I state the obvious? It’s been over a month since my last post.  I haven’t been in hiding per se, but I guess I have been hiding my heart.  I’m normally an external processor – I gain perspective by sharing or writing about the intricacies of my heart, my struggles and my (small but personally meaningful) triumphs. I generally think life is better when it’s shared.  But for whatever reason,  I’m holding my heart close these days. Probably because it feels messy, it’s all over the map, it’s hurt, it’s hopeful, it’s trying to find peace – and so it’s really only fit for an audience of One.

Because He knows the depths of my heart and loves me just the same.

Jul 19 Africa’s Influence

At the most unexpected times, I find myself shaking my head at the realization that South Africa is the only home my children know.  Sometimes my heart celebrates their unique cross-cultural experiences.  Other times I wonder with internal pause and contemplation about how this will shape their futures.  At all times… it takes trust.  Trust that my kiddos aren’t just along for the ride of what Dave and I have been called to – but that they are called just the same.  That spending these years in South Africa is as purposed for them as it is for me.

Most of the time though, I just find myself smiling at Africa’s audible influence… I say tomato, they say tomato. Or more specifically…

I say trash (can)… they say rubbish (bin)

I say sucker (as in the candy variety)… they say lolly

I say truck… they say bakkie

I say angry… they say cross

I say candy… they say sweety

I say soccer ball… they say football

… but we all say I love you… just the same.

Jul 15 Endurance In The Midst

Today my heart wonders why life has to be so hard?  Why being in God’s best does not mean life is easy? Why one-step forward for things that are good demands strength and resolve that should have leveled mountains by now?

And then I remember – He’s called the God who gives endurance. And because I know that He gives good and perfect gifts – this tell me that endurance is something I need.  And endurance isn’t required for easy.

So today, I need to adjust my expectations and maybe even my prayers- not for Him to remove the hard from my life, but to increase my endurance in the midst of it.

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment.  Romans 5:3-5

Jul 09 20 years later…

I don’t know why I’ve never owned a pair, I just know I’ve always wanted them - and yesterday, I bought them!

Jul 07 Read It Deeper

I like to sing my heart lighter and read it deeper.  I love books that challenge;  words that require digestion.  So, I’ve been in heaven turning the pages of Donald Miller’s A Million Miles in A Thousand Years.  I highly recommend it.  It’s challenging me to live a great story with my life – to live the great story.

Just to wet your appetite, I’ll share a few (of his) nuggets with you:

“…fearlessly engage in a world in which love is so fearfully exchanged.”

“People love to have lived a great story, but few people like the work it takes to make it happen. But joy costs pain.”

“A general rule in creating stories is that characters don’t want to change. They must be forced to change…. Humans are designed to seek comfort and order, and so if they have comfort and order, they tend to plant themselves, even if their comfort isn’t all that comfortable.”

“What I’m saying is I think life is staggering and we’re just used to it. We all are like spoiled children no longer impressed with the gifts we’re given- it’s just another sunset, just another rainstorm moving over the mountain, just another child being born, just another funeral.” … “If I have a hope, it’s that God sat over the dark nothing and wrote you and me, specifically, into the story, and put us in with the sunset and the rainstorm as though to say, Enjoy your place in my story. The beauty of it means you matter, and you can create within it even as I have created you.”

Go ahead… get the book, and read your heart deeper.

Jul 05 Sing it Lighter

Redemption, so much better than perfection…

…is a song lyric that gives me pause (because I struggle to live it), on an album that I listen to when my heart is heavy and I need to sing it lighter via words written by others. Music is powerful for my soul like that. And lately, these are the words that have been playing on repeat for me…

The darker the night the brighter the day

The fiercer the fight the stronger the faith

So I place my hope in You

The deeper the sin, the stronger the blood

The more to forgive, the more reason to love

So I place my trust in you

In your ways oh God – redemption, is so much better than perfection

In your ways oh God…

Over and over you prove yourself faithful

Over and over you prove yourself the Redeemer

Today I find myself asking for the brighter day and the stronger faith. I feel like I’ve been living the dark night and the fierce fight. So I bellow out this song, singing my hear lighter, and press on – because over and over He proves Himself faithful…

Jun 29 I Run (Tuesday’s Training Confessional)

After my run, I sat down to do a video post and really missed writing because (as my neglected blog attests)  I haven’t had much time to let my thoughts appear in black & white while my fingers speed over the keys.  So, no video today, just words:

I start on pavement.  It turns to gravel, then grass, then dirt and back again.

I’m running in Africa.

My mind is racing but my body resists this quickened pace.

I fix my eyes on the mountains-  they dot the horizon and fill my backdrop.

I’m running in Africa.

Steady now, with a drum-like rhythm underfoot.

The Blesbok take notice and begin their effortless run. In front of me and beside me. Their speed, inspiring.

The sun meets the horizon and shadows turn frigid.

I’m running in Africa.

On my right the zebras graze, 9 of them, marked beautiful in black and white.

Effortful motion and labored breath; my sweat betrays the cold.

My feet are pounding now and my mind settles into calm.

Every exhale a letting go.

I’m running in Africa.

Exhausted.

Refreshed.

Reaching high.

Bending low.

Finished.

I’ve become a runner.  In Africa.

Jun 15 Tuesday’s Training Confessional #4

Okay… I realize that my blog has been seriously lacking any posts of real thought or creativity.  It’s reflective of the craziness that is the last 3 and next 7 weeks of my life.  I also realize, after actually taking a look at these video posts – that I say the word totally totally too much.  I blame that on my 80’s upbringing. I’m just sayin’…

Tuesday’s Training Confessional #4 from Amy Riep on Vimeo.

Jun 08 Tuesday’s Training Confessional #3

Tuesday Training Confessional #3 from Amy Riep on Vimeo.

Jun 02 Tuesday’s Training Confessional #2

Tuesday Confessional #2 from Amy Riep on Vimeo.

May 27 Going Barefoot

After my bathroom-stall epiphany, I couldn’t ignore the torrent that had surfaced. Slowly but steadily I began to look back, even superficially, at the relationships and interactions that had so powerfully influenced me. I let myself think and feel in unedited fashion and was overwhelmed by how deep the rabbit holes in my heart went.  I asked myself tough questions about responsibility and victimization.  I got my fingers dirty in the subtle shades of gray that had colored my in-the-moment perceptions of right and wrong, of acceptable and dishonorable. I asked God to help me distinguish where I should have acted and where others should have acted on my behalf. I began to both take ownership and assign ownership for the things that had left their mark. I eventually stood nose to nose with the powerful force of secrecy and I opened my mouth, and my heart, for the first time ever.

…and so I stood, barefoot.  The nakedness was freeing.

And equally terrifying.

(The first three parts of this series include: High-Heels or Hiking Boots, If The Shoe Fits Wear It, and Stilettos: A force to be reckoned with)

May 25 Tuesday’s Training Confessional #1

(yup, we’re taking a pause on the series that’s in progress… but it’ll be a brief pause!)

Last year I set a lofty goal of making the Harrismith Mountain Race my first running event.  The problem is, I set out with only the finish line in mind rather than all the steps that needed to happen for me to make it to the starting line.  So, in the face of last year’s failure, I’m giving myself a fresh start (which has been a much harder process than it was to type it out)… and I’m training for this year’s race.  Because I want to commit to training for the race and not just to the race itself, I’m going to share the journey with you- and I invite you to train too!

So, here’s the plan:  I’ve got a 21-week training schedule to guide me, two fellow staffers who are training as well (June and Jill), a date with a 5k in August, and Tuesday’s Training Confessional video posts to help me stay on track.  This week’s training includes a total of 9k to run and three days of cross training (which for me includes hiking or cycling and weights/toning).

Disclaimer: these video posts will be one-take, post workout- so overlook the asthma wheezing, heavy breathing, sweat, and lack of anything refined

Tuesday Training Confessional #1 from Amy Riep on Vimeo.

May 18 Stilettos: A force to be reckoned with

While I should have been running around in Converse (I’ve secretly always wanted to own some high-top red ones. Not sure why… but to this day I think they’re fabulous!) I was shuffling along in some oversized and uncomfortable stilettos. You know the ones- named after a dagger, they’re a force to be reckoned with. They’re sexy. They’re made to be noticed.

This was not a pair of shoes I picked out for myself…

It wasn’t until I was a sophomore in college, sitting in a social work ethics class, that I inadvertently exposed the beginning threads of these tangled corners of my heart. My unexpected tears, from seemingly nowhere, in the middle of a lecture on professional boundaries compelled me to walk out of the class. I couldn’t catch my breath- all I could do was cry.  In those moments, doubled-over in a bathroom stall, I remembered their faces and our exchanges as clear as if they were happening in the moment: The restaurant manager who overlooked my age and his married-with-children status to proposition me every time I showed up for work, the teacher who literally gave me a 1-10 rating on how I looked each day and crossed too many boundaries to count, the patrons at the golf course where I drove the beverage cart who didn’t filter their thoughts or their supposed humor after a few drinks, and the list goes on.  I didn’t ask for the attention. In fact, I didn’t even like it. Until like a subtle drug it became part of what I needed to feel myself- much like today’s cup of coffee.

That day in the bathroom stall I realized for the first time that I had been used misused. Reduced to appearance. Treated like an object.

I didn’t have the maturity or the insight to work through my epiphany. All I knew was that I never wanted another human being to make me feel the way those men did.  And the only way I knew how to prevent that- was to not be noticed.  And so I began to hide – pound by pound, mostly from myself.

…I’m so thankful my story doesn’t end in a bathroom stall or with the destructive behaviors birthed there.

May 14 If The Shoe Fits, Wear It

For the better part of my adolescence and early adulthood- I felt like I was trying to squeeze into proverbial shoes that just weren’t my size.  I didn’t care if they were hiking boots or high heels, I just wanted something about me to feel like a perfect fit.

I wanted my preferences, my flaws, and my desires to fit into neatly defined, pre-existing categories like you’d find on a personality test.  I wanted to be able to scroll down a list of either/or questions and know which option defined me, without having an annoying urge to comment in the sidebar to defend my answer or the caveats that came along with it. In my tunnel-visioned attempts to see myself as standard-issue, all I saw was how I didn’t fit:

- I was 14 and nearly 6ft tall. This complicated everything from shopping to dating- just what adolescent girls are supposed to be crazy about.

- I never had a clearly defined group of friends. I had lots of friends, in lots of clicks, but I always landed somewhere in between them all, which often left me feeling alone.

- I wanted to be good at sports, but just wasn’t. So, instead- you would have found me directing the marching band while wearing a cheerleading uniform.  Trying to fit somewhere, feeling out of place everywhere.

I never gave myself the freedom to just be me, which left me vying to fill the shoes that others had for me.  And so, I began to hide from myself - long before I was capable of even realizing it.

May 13 High-Heels or Hiking Boots?

It seems like a simple enough choice, right? For me it represents so much more than finishing off an outfit with the perfect pair of shoes.  It captures a longstanding tension in my heart and in my identity that I let myself ignore for the better part of a decade.  In my efforts to cover it up and avoid it, I ended up stuffing it (or rather myself). I let myself go and I gained weight. I hid – mostly from myself.

I’ve been trying to come out of hiding for a few years. Wanting to lose the weight, but focusing on external behavior changes only lasted so long while certain corners of my heart were a tangled mess. I needed to understand me before I could work to change me. (Since I promised monthly downsizing updates through June, I’ll share with you that I haven’t been as fit as I am today since I was in college. I’ve said goodbye to 12cm from my waist, finally.)

My own unraveling and coming out of hiding is the story I want share with you. Not because my story will be like yours.  But because we’re all inclined, on some level, to hide from ourselves.  And while our struggles may be different- we can find courage to take an inward look at the person in the mirror when we know we’re not alone in the journey.

So, journey with me.

May 11 Proof of Life

Proof of Life from Amy Riep on Vimeo.

Apr 20 Tornado Wreckage, His Promises

A tornado hit the Thrive mission base yesterday, but we’re looking past the wreckage and into His promises.  I wrote about it on the Thrive field blog… you can read it here.

Apr 12 At This Moment

I’m ignoring that I’m officially a year older. Denial, denial, denial… but my heart is full from so many wonderful birthday wishes.

I miss blogging. I spend so much time working on this computer that when I’m finally ready to relax, my fingers protest another written thought and my eyes get all squinty and I succumb to closing the lid. But I miss it.

How does my going-on-2-year-old daughter already have a need for all things fast and dangerous?  Lord, have mercy on this momma’s heart!

Should I be concerned that while Dave’s leading “guys night” it’s turned into “pipe night?”  Hmmmm… Marc, come home soon!

I love that my preferred evening comfort clothes insist that I not take myself, or whatever I’m working on, too seriously.  See for yourself…

My favorite oversized OSU sweatshirt, flannel pj pants, and crazy socks.  A perfect fashion disaster.

Apr 06 Called to Rise

When Jesus asks me to follow Him, I’m normally more aware of His invitation for me to come and die than I am of His invitation for me to rise. But this weekend, I was mindful that His resurrection beckons me to rise. Above myself, above my circumstances- I am called to something so much higher than what I am on my own.

How is He asking you to rise?

Apr 01 Tales from the Trenches

Yes, the word downsizing is intentionally left out. The promise I made to make the first post of every month for six months (this is #3) about my downsizing progress feels like a nuisance.  But, since I committed- here’s the truth:

- I made it faithfully to week 7 day 2 of my running program and then all-together quit. I don’t even have an explanation and my only half-legitimate excuse is that it has been a trying, tiring month. (Should I mention the relentless rain? The kiddos with colds who gave me a cold? That it’s still dark at 6am now? )

- I had some heart issues.  Not the physical kind,  but the inward soul kind. I escaped for a few days of solitude to get to the root of some things.  During those days, I realized that I can only have so many “front-burner” issues… and loading on extra “pots” just made me not really focus on any of them.  I gave myself permission to move downsizing to a back burner for awhile.

- Downsizing is back on a front-burner, but the journey is more personal and intimate with God than it ever has been… and I’m not ready to share more about it in this space. At least not today.  Maybe a month from now? Maybe not… but I am journeying on.

Mar 30 There are Moments

…a few sacred moments in the chaos of our days that are precious, tender, loving, thoughtful, considerate, and genuine. These are the ones that I hold on to in the face of all the other moments…

Mar 25 Me Right Now

…Literally.  Basketball is playing in the background (which feels really American), but I’m drowning it out with new music I’ve pulled from noisetrade.com- FANTASTIC fair trade music website that I was just introduced to (thanks Marc and Katie). Totally digging Graci Phillips, Tizrah Lemmens, and Joy Williams… among others.

I’m ignoring a forgiveness issue- or trying to. I think it’s much easier to forgive when the hurt feels past tense instead of present. But choosing to hold on to this yuck in my heart is only hurting me more. I guess it’s time to talk.

I’m thinking about how crazy tomorrow will be: We’re hosting a team of 25 American youth who have spent two years raising money and shoes (via Toms) to donate to almost 400 kids in rural QwaQwa… and the giveaway day is tomorrow.. and we’re facilitating all the details. WOW.

I’m wanting the world to know about and respond to our campaign: impactsouthafrica.com.  I know it’s just words to some… and  the call to action might feel distant to others. But I’m here- and I see the faces every day… I experience the difference being made…and I know we can’t stop.  We need help. I need the world to know.

…it’s time to convince Dave that it’s a popcorn night. He makes the best stove-popped popcorn in the world…

Mar 24 From Here to There

I was part of a missionary panel today (gasp, I totally just called myself a missionary) to answer questions about the challenges and opportunities that come with living overseas and being in ministry.  In my answers, I heard my heart describe how being physically distanced from my family is incredibly hard and how I sometimes ache for a face to face unfiltered friendship with another mom of pre-school aged children.  All four of us “experts” agreed… one of the hardest things we deal with is missing out on the “dailyness” of life with those closest to our hearts.

So, coming home from the panel to find a gift in my inbox felt… fantastic. I got several photos of my niece, Sarah (12) at her countries of the world fair,  which was the culmination of  her school-year-long project on South Africa.  My heart was so full as I looked at all of her hard work and realized how much time she’s put into learning about South Africa… and in doing so, also learning about my life. It made me feel connected and in some ways, understood.   But mostly, it made me really proud and thankful that even though I wasn’t there – I was there, in the details.  Maybe from here to there isn’t so far, after-all.

Mar 22 I Should Know

…when I take time to press-in to matters of the heart, there will be backlash

…when I teach about a topic, I will have many opportunities to see if what I say stands true in my own life

…I can’t accomplish everything in one day that I would like to

…when I’m focused on someone else’s “speck” I’m usually missing my own “plank”

…that He’s always enough.

Mar 18 Notes to Self

Sometimes I forget that I live in Africa because here mostly just feels like  home.  But other times, I’m very aware that I’m not in my proverbial Kansas anymore.  Along this line of thinking, here are some notes-to-self inspired during my solo road trip:

- No shirt and no shoes does not equal no service. Should it?

- That cop was begging to be bribed, so I took the bate- I slipped him R100 ($15) and went on my way. Who made out good?

- If I ever own a rental property- don’t have a “private owner cupboard” that I then forget to lock. Not that I looked…

- Don’t eat hamburger for awhile. I drove behind this half-slaughtered cow on its way to being lion-lunch for an unappetizing amount of time…

Mar 16 Truth in Solitude

I’m on a solitude retreat- 72 hours of only me and God, 4 hours carved out for “external” things that refuel me… and hence, I’m writing.

Months ago, an encouraging word was put on my heart for a friend: Solitude is fertile soil for your heart.  God’s been whispering that back to me since I heeded His instructions on Friday to retreat- and here I am a few days later, alone- surrounded by beauty, holding up with Him.  Given my life responsibilities- this is/was no small feat and I’m treasuring every moment.

Solitude is intense for my spirit.  And the things God has called me here to work through are tough. It’s like He’s cracked my chest open and is massaging my heart with His hands- it’s painful but life giving.  It’s brutal but loving, invasive but freeing.

This is His challenge to my heart… this is my prayer…

I lay down my right to use the past to keep me from the present.

I lay down my right to use my past to keep me from my present.

I lay down my right to use Thrive’s past to keep us from Thrive’s present.

Isaiah 43:18 “But forget all that (the past, my past, Thrive’s past)- it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am going to do something new. See, I have already begun- do you not see it?

Your turn: I lay down my right to use _____ to keep me from ____

Mar 13 How He Rolls

Silas has conquered his big boy bike!  For his birthday last week, he got his first bike with peddles.  Prior to that, he rolled European style- with a training bike that’s just like a standard bike – minus the peddles.

Silas grew so tall so fast, that he never comfortably fit on a tricycle or any other small ride-on device meant for toddlers.  So this past week, he’s learned what peddling is all about.  Thanks to “riding Euro” for about a year… he had already mastered balancing which made peddling come with ease.  It’s crazy to watch my little guy zooming around on his big-boy-bike.  Truth be told… it still makes my eyes a little welly.  My baby, on a bike!

Mar 10 It is Finished

Those were His last three words on the cross.  And coming from the lips of my savior- they should mean so much more peace for me than what I’ve been living.

I’ve been seriously worried

…seriously emotional

…seriously caught up in a game of what-ifs

Until today.  I was singing Mighty to Save and the words He conquered the grave spoke to my spirit and sent alligator-sized tears down my cheeks.  Knowing He conquered the grave makes the issues of my heart so much less burdensome. It demands my trust in Him- for everything.

…Because He conquered the grave, He can surely handle my doubts

…Because He conquered the grave, my emotional struggles are none too difficult for Him

…Because He conquered the grave, I am confident He can provide for Thrive

…Because He conquered the grave, (insert your need-Him-to-conquer here)

All of my struggles, all of my fears, and all of my doubts need to be seen through the lens of knowing that He conquered the grave. There is nothing He can’t conquer.  There is nothing I can’t conquer through Him.

Doubt is finished.

Fear is finished.

Unbelief is finished.

Anxiety is finished.

(insert your struggle here) is finished.

…It is finished.

Mar 05 Something’s Different

Look past the fact that Silas has his face painted (he was the birthday boy, after-all)- do you notice something different about him than his classmates?

Mar 03 Nothing or Everything?

Apart from Him, I can do nothing.

As much as I’d like to think I can do some easy small things on my own, I can’t… so I need to stop trying:

Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” John 15:5

And with Him I can do anything, everything.

As much as my actions tell me that I still wrestle with unbelief-  I’m going to choose to trust:

“For nothing is impossible with God” Luke 1:37

“In your strength I can crush an army; with my God I can scale ANY wall” Psalm 18:29

“I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength” Phil 4:13

There’s no comfortable middle of the road. The choice is doing everything -even the seeming impossible-  with Him or nothing without Him.

Are there impossibles He’s asking you to go after with Him?

Mar 01 Tales from the Downsizing Trenches

As I sit down to write this obligatory post (I promised, remember?) my mind is going a zillion different directions.  What I think I’m realizing- is that I’ve been (mostly) consistent with the external choices that relate to downsizing (minus the last three days), but I’ve been ignoring the internal ones.  I could say it’s for lack of time or lack of emotional energy- but really, I know it’s because of  fear.  I don’t want to go there… but I know that to really succeed, I need to.

I’m not going there yet- but just putting words to me knowing I need to explore the roots behind this struggle makes it all the more real. Upcoming.

So, back to the surface…

- I’m almost done with week 6 (one run to go) of my 9-week running training program.  I still hate the act of running- but I’m (strangely) enjoying that I choose to do it anyway.

- I’ve turned my nose up at the scale (because those numbers still feel like a kick to my heart) and embraced the measuring tape as my new motivational friend.   Since the end of January, I’ve said goodbye to 4 inches on my waist and toned my arms by an inch and a half.  That feels great.

For the month ahead:

- I will do better about planning my meals ahead of time so that I keep my calorie in-take in check

- I will keep healthy snacks on-hand, ready to grab

- I will make more of the little choices that add up to big results

Feb 22 Laugh So I Don’t Cry…

I had one helluva weekend.  If I outlined it all for you- it would seem too over-the-top crazy to be true…

So I’ll tell you about how I flooded my house.

And I’ll tell you that I’ve been  forcing myself to laugh so I won’t cry.

On Friday afternoon, I was busy with the kids and I realized time had gotten away from me and I had no plan for dinner.  So, I quickly ran inside while the kiddos were on our porch and I threw some meat in the sink and turned the hot water on to thaw it fast (hot water here is HOT).  All of a sudden I heard Ellie crying- so I ran out the door.  I have no idea what happened- but she was fine and I got distracted.  I spent the next hour and a half outside with my children- going for a walk, riding bikes, throwing rocks.

When I finally got to my porch again there was a water fall spilling through the seam in the floor that separates inside from out.  I opened the door and the water started gushing out.  I peered in and saw our great room filled with an inch of standing water- steaming hot water. Small plastic toys were literally floating.  I yelled for help with the kids and made my way to the sink- which had been left running ALL THAT TIME.

I’ll spare you the number of hours and the crazy methods that have had me on my hands and knees for the last three days attempting to put my house back together again, mildew free.  But I will share with you the miracle in it all… the inch-wide dry border on the floor where my work bag (containing my laptop) was stored, and the inch-wide dry border around all of our electronics. As soon as I picked the items off of the floor- those areas were saturated wet too.  I “lost” nothing- except for a little pride.  Explain that…

So, how did my Monday start?  With a flat tire… no joke.  But all I could do was laugh.

How was your weekend?

Feb 18 Hand-Sewn Clothes

He made them hand-sewn clothes.

After God’s heart was broken by Adam and Eve’s choice to eat the forbidden fruit and before He banished them from the Garden of Eden, He made them hand-sewn clothes.

I don’t know how many times I’ve read these beginning chapters of Genesis, but I’ve never paused and felt the weight of God’s actions.

God cared about Adam and Eve’s shame.  He stooped to grip a needle and thread to tailor-make a covering for much more than their bodies- but for the wounds in their hearts.

…and He wants to do the same for us.  To drape the most vulnerable and exposed parts of our hearts with all of who He is.

Feb 15 Buried Alive

Dark.

Trapped.

Confined.

…but breathing. Living. Ready to resurface.

I’m not sure why I think I can just bury “my issues” and expect them to suffocate and die.  It doesn’t work like that.   When I leave things buried alive they lurk, just beneath the surface, waiting to influence me another day,  in subtle ways.

I’ve been thinking about this in terms of weeds and how uprooting is entirely different than snipping-off at the surface. Snipping-off takes  a heck of a lot less work but it’s a surface-only, quick cosmetic fix.  As it turns out, when weeds are snipped they grow back. Sometimes bigger, stronger, and more resistant.  So, I’m trading in my garden sheers for some gloves and a shovel. It’s time to uproot and bury the finally dead.

Thank God He holds the shovel and not me- because I’d be more inclined to knock somebody over the head with it than to dig in to myself.  Isn’t it always easier to focus on the speck and ignore the plank?

It’s His work to do in my heart, my consent for Him to do it.

Let’s get started…

Feb 13 Notes to Self

Confession- I keep a Moleskin journal in my take-everywhere bag and I fill it with notes to myself (is that weird?!).  Nonetheless, these are today’s contributions:

Chocolate brown bath towels are not a good choice when living somewhere with no screens.

When feeling less than pleasant towards “the husband” – play soul-filled love songs because they change my mood quick (Justin Nozuka “I’m in Peace” James Morrison “You Make it Real” and John Legend “Sun Comes Up”- just for starters).

The acceptable on-the-farm so stash-your-phone-in-your-bra when lacking pockets move is NOT acceptable in the grocery store…lots of raised eyebrows at my ringing and vibrating.

How was YOUR day?!

Feb 10 Nextember

I have an extra month in my calendar, Nextember.  It’s not year specific, it just… is.  Nextember is when I “schedule” moments of my life that aren’t in my foreseeable future, or perhaps not in my future at all… but still linger, there in my heart as desires.  Some things I have penciled-in are huge wishes, some are simple yet loaded conversations yet to be had, some are moments that I want for no other purpose than just for me.

All of them represent a longing. A discontentment of sorts, even in the midst of happiness.

Some of them represent corners of my heart marked fragile and confidential.

All of them are things I need to surrender- not just hold loosely, but let go of.  And that’s just…hard.

Feb 04 My Other Son…

I am so proud of him.

A decade ago  when our (first) season in South Africa came to a close- Thabang was there to help us pack up our things and send us off.  I’ll never forget that final hug and the words he said in broken english as we said goodbye.  Thabang lived on the streets- an orphan to poverty- and we had spent  5 days a week during the year prior hanging out with him and about 15 other boys.  Just wanting them to know they were purposed, not forgotten, and loved.

A few months ago, Dave ran into Thabang in QwaQwa.  Call it a coincidence if you will- but I know it was divine intervention.  While driving through the crowded streets Dave heard his name, followed by “my father, my father”.  Over a curbside conversation Thabang filled in the pieces of the last ten years- his season in jail, his encounter with God, how he determined to finish high school and then did just that.

This reunion happened while Thrive was in full-swing of  recruiting new Coaches to work for Leadership Summit.  We knew we couldn’t make Thabang any promises- but Dave told him about the opportunity and at Thabang’s initiative- he started showing up to every meeting. Since then- Thabang’s performance has stood out from the rest and he’s been hired on as a Thrive Africa Coach.

At Monday’s Hand in Hand conference, I stepped out of my car and was heading inside when I felt someone looking at me. I turned and saw him for the first time in a decade. That same broad but boyish smile comfortably worn on the face of a man. He was totally familiar and totally changed. The boy is gone but the sparkle of his soul is the same.  Our embrace was even sweeter than the last- filled with hope instead of parting sorrow. His voice, now deeper and aged- said, “My mother, I am glad you are home.”

Feb 02 Tales from the Downsizing Trenches

What’s going well:

I’ve been incredibly encouraged. Lisa, Sara, Melissa, and many others- you’re supportive words have been like fuel. THANK YOU!

Working out in the morning, though I loath it, it ensures that I get my sweat on before the day gets away from me.

Instead of focussing too much on what I’m not eating- I’m tracking my servings of fruits, veggies, whole grains, and water.  Until I’ve checked off all those boxes- I don’t delve into other food.  Come to find out- getting in everything that my body actually needs usually takes care of my hunger- at least until those just-before-bed hours.

What’s not going well:

Losing weight is a whole lot of work and takes a whole lot of consistency. Sometimes the length of this commitment feels absolutely daunting. It’s HARD WORK. I want it to be easier.

I need to remember it’s not all or nothing… it’s one choice at a time.

I don’t enjoy working out- but I want to love to hate it.  I’m not there yet, but I’m hitting the pavement anyway.

My night-time snack of stove-popped popcorn (it’s a whole grain!) needs to be put in check, so as of now its become a weekend-only indulgence.  But dang… I want it EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

Progress: I’ve lost 2kgs

Jan 28 This is why…

My scattered posting is evidence of my long hours the past few weeks.  They are hours full of meetings, writing, and answering emails. But they aren’t tiresome hours- they are hours well invested.  Invested in the potential of South Africa. This is why I’m here. This is why I love what I do.

This… is the Face of Leadership.

See what I see.

Jan 22 Being Salt and Light

I’ve been knee-deep in studying about what it means to be Salt and Light. Why???

…because it’s what we’re called to be.  And I’m going to share it with them.

Jan 20 Downsizing… she’s back!!!

After two months stateside, I returned to South Africa in the beginning of January with renewed vigor for a lot of things- but getting into better shape was not on the top of the list.  Or, should I say- it wasn’t even towards the top of the list until my friend and domestic worker, Emily, greeted me by patting my stomach and saying “America was good to you- life must be good there”. SHAME. I know I indulged. I know I’ve been ignoring certain articles of clothing. But the truth still hurts. Dang, I’ve got some work to do.

Since “going public” is my best form of accountability… here you go- an invitation to walk this road with me.  The first post of every new month for the next six months will be about downsizing… and probably a few in between.  My plan: I’ve upgraded my get-in-shape “tools” to iPhone apps (which I’m loving)… Lose It and Couch to 5k.  My goal… nothing crazy… but to lose 1.5lbs per week until I’m where I need to be (and those numbers are only on a need-to-know basis!!!).

To help me kick-off… do you have a success story to share? Helpful tip? Word of encouragement?  I’m all ears…

Jan 11 African Giants

That’s what they call the millepedes that are really common here.  I don’t know about you, but I will never be comfortable enough with any creepy-crawly to feel okay about “giant” being a part of their name.  But alas, my son feels differently.  He’s spent hours the past few days “caring for”, hunting, and making coil into balls these not-so-lovely but very prevalent creatures.

They often find their way into our house, and I’ve inadvertantly stepped on a few, while barefoot, and they “burst”. NASTY.

I actually don’t know which I prefer… Silas catching frogs and trying to convince me that they should sleep in his bed or him playing with the giants? I guess boys will be boys…

Jan 06 Wednesday’s Window

One highlight of being back in South Africa has been watching Silas reconnect with his african brother Thuledi (Abram’s son).  Today, they were jumping off of our front porch, hand in hand:

Jan 05 I’m (in my new) Home!!

Hello, South Africa… I’m home (and in my new home).  Have a peak… more pictures to come once we’re really settled…

Jan 03 Made For This

Today, as I’m traveling back to my home in South Africa, and my eyes are likely puffy from tears and my heart tender from tough goodbyes- I’m reminding myself that I was made for this.  I don’t know why- I just know that it’s true- that I was made for South Africa. And  in my parent’s house I found an unexpected reminder:

During my senior year of high school (before I met Alece and before I’d ever been overseas) I created an “all about me” board for an art class.  It’s still on display in my parent’s basement, and the lower-center of my creation is a map of South Africa.  Without yet having set foot on her soil- she was already a part of me.

…and so, I’m returning to my home even as I leave my home.  It’s complicated. It’s hard. But it’s also just right.

Jan 02 Hello 2010

This year my resolutions aren’t traditional.  They are “permissions” that I want to keep before me as the new year begins and as the weeks and months start rolling by:

let myself feel -even the things I’d rather not
let myself risk -and face all of the fear that would try to stifle me
let myself stumble -because that means I’m in motion
let myself celebrate -all the tiny victories the make the mundane miraculous.

Is there anything you want to let yourself do this year?

Dec 30 Collateral Growth

My reflective brain can’t get close to the New Year without first looking back.  And when I do- it’s like looking into a passenger-side mirror from the driver’s seat and reading a warning: The events of this year are closer than they appear. 2009 has been intense. When I look back at what should have only produced collateral damage, I also see collateral growth- and for that, I’m thankful.  At times my heart still hurts deeply and I’m left shaking my head in disbelief- but there’s also thankfulness.  I need to back up and explain.

When I was 19 I went on my first mission trip to Botswana, Africa. During a training weekend in Miami, Florida, I threw my sleeping bag down on a church floor and landed right next to Alece (my Kitty). Over the course of the next month, the knot that would form the base of braided hearts and lives was formed.  More than a decade later- we’ve worked side by side on the mission field, shared a wedding, a birth, miscellaneous adventures, and deep heartache.  I need to explain. Again.

My 2009 is inextricably connected to my Kitty’s story.  A year ago, she pulled the cord and exposed her husband’s affair. Which is devistating and complicated when it only involves the two people in the marriage. But Alece and Niel pioneered and directed Thrive Africa together.  When Alece pulled the cord, she knew that a boulder would be loosed and the potential for collateral damage would be far reaching. But in her courage, she pulled, and I still thank God that when she did, I was there- and my family was already planted in South Africa.

What I thought (but God’s plan was entirely different) was our family spending 9-months in South Africa (doing life with our dear friends while my husband was also doing dissertation research and writing) has turned into me serving as Interim Director of Thrive Africa and my family living overseas indefinitely.

I don’t want to ignore the collateral damage- because there’s been plenty of it, but I want to celebrate that from its rubble is emerging something beautiful. New. Stronger.   Those stories are the ones I want to share with you in the days to come. But to really celebrate the fragrance of what God is making bloom… I first needed to share what prompted the tilling of the soil.

2009 has been a year that changed my life. Forever.

Dec 26 Three Weeks Later

…I miss him. Dave went back to South Africa three weeks ago today. I miss his smell, how my head rests perfectly on his chest, his partnership, his I love you’s, his amazing mind, his soft kiss, and those brown eyes. I miss every morsel of him.

Now I can fill in my own blank… that distance makes the heart:

ache

contemplate

grow

see clearly

appreciate the little things

more transparent

feel lonely

love fiercely.

count the days…9 until I’m back in his arms

Dec 22 Holiday Hiatus

I just returned from a long weekend in Nashville with my soul-friend, Emily (we’ve had lots of blog-worthy adventures together… like here, here, here, and here!!). My battery feels recharged after lots of girl talk, laughter, and sleep. I’m so incredibly thankful for how my life is blessed with friendship.

I’ve returned to my Ohio home just in time for a holiday hiatus. Merry Christmas… and I’ll be back in the New Year!!!!

Dec 15 Grace is Messy

I’ve been missing the bigger picture by thinking about grace as a neatly packaged gift that results in the tidying of my soul.  Because I need a whole lot of grace- I think it’s the gift I’m most mindful of this holiday season. I’m unwrapping it to find something much different than I anticipated.  I’m realizing that grace is anything by tidy.  In fact, grace is roll-up-your-sleeves and forget about smock-coverage kind of messy.

Blood was splattered. Flesh was torn. A death. A resurrection. And because of it- we are offered grace. I am offered grace.

Living out grace is challenging for me. It’s hard for me to receive and even harder for me to give. I trip over it and bloody my chin rather than wading into the ways of grace in some of my relationships.  But I’m trying… and the freedom to try and try again is what grace is all about.

Dec 12 The Bean Bowl

Some things discovered on accident just have to be shared… especially if you’re parenting little ones and you discover an indoor activity that keeps the kiddos busy during these cold winter days.  I found just such a treasure, totally on accident.

My mom has laid claim to one full side of my parents’ finished basement for all of her “stuff”. Since she changes her household decor with the seasons- she’s got lots of “stuff”- and all of the off-season things are stored downstairs, on her side. Well, one “fallish” centerpiece happened to contain a large glass bowl layered with all sorts of colorful dried beans that held a big candle in the middle.  Scrap the glass dish and the candle- and my kids are in heaven playing with the beans.  We’ve added some plastic containers, measuring cups, wooden spoons, and some imagination for literally hours of fun.  Ellie likes to fill and empty containers, while Silas likes to cook imaginary “brownies”- measuring, scooping, and stirring his bean creations.  Sometimes we even make bean rain- cuz it’s really easy to clean up.

Happy Bean Bowling…

Dec 05 Fill It In…

Distance makes the heart… (enter your words here!)

Dave leaves today and journeys back to South Africa… while me and the kids remain stateside for a month more.

Deep Breath. Big Sigh. I hate goodbyes, even the temporary ones.

Dec 01 If These Walls Could Speak…

I grew up on old-school Amy Grant music… and If These Walls Could Speak was one of her back-in-the-day hits. Being back in the house where I grew up has this song resurfacing from somewhere in the filing cabinet of my mind.  I find myself looking around and being besieged with memories- while watching my children make new ones within these same four walls. It’s bizarre and wonderful.

If these walls could speak- they would tell you my coming of age tale. They remember, like I do, the moments big and small that have made me who I am.  They would tell you about my “closet years”… when I literally used to hang out in my closet, tape player head-phones on, rocking-out to the likes of Poison and Skid Row while staring at the band posters pinned to those interior walls (my parents weren’t fans).   These walls remember the seemingly insignificant- like the Friday night during my Freshman year of high school that I was getting ready to go to a football game and I found myself sitting on the edge of my bed feeling like I would never move beyond adolescents, which had only just begun.  These walls would tell you about the moments I felt like a princess- those pre-formal dance photo-shoots, arms dawning satin gloves and dresses laced with sequence. They would tell you about the times I nearly fell apart and the time I fell in love.

“If these old walls, if these old walls could speak of the things that they remember well, stories and faces dearly held, a couple in love livin’ week to week, rooms full of laughter… If these old halls, if hallowed halls could talk, they would have a tale to tell of sun goin’ down and dinner bell and children playing at hide and seek from floor to rafter, if these walls could speak… they would tell you that I’m sorry, for bein’ cold and blind and weak… they would tell you that I owe you, more than I could ever pay, here’s someone who really loves you, don’t ever go away… that’s what these walls would say”  - Amy Grant

Nov 29 Motherhood Compromises

I’m incredibly selfish- and putting aside some of my own wishes for the betterment of my family and kiddos has been no small feat in these 3.5 years that I’ve been a mommy. What I’ve learned- is that sometimes it’s all about compromise, mommy-style:

- sleeping in has become 7am instead of 9:30

- “privacy” for me normally means having someone knocking on the door or wiggling the doorknob- no matter what I’m trying to “privately” do on the other side of the door.

- a sit-down dinner normally means I sit my kiddos down, and I remain up and down to tend to everyone’s needs- but nonetheless we eat as a family.

- enjoying some tunes in the car means alternating between “Silas songs” and Mommy songs- unless of course we’re listening to “the Maybe song” by Ingird Michaelson- which Silas asks to be “put on repeat, repeat, repeat!”

- it means hugs and snuggles when what I really want is space… but I always end up loving those hugs and snuggles

…it’s about “we” even though I’m prone to think “me”.

Nov 27 He Provides…

In our 12 years of marriage- Dave and I have had one six-month season where we both had professional jobs.  Aside from that- our path has looked a little different than the norm.  We’ve had lots of seasons like the current one- where having our needs met is totally dependent on divine intervention.  And guess what?  We’ve never gone without. Not ever.

This week, we had one of those tangible “He provides” moments.  So, just in case you find yourself in a similar spot of waiting and watching for God to provide… I want to share this with you to encourage your heart!

For a few days Ellie was fussy and stuffy, which turned in to a nasty cough and her being downright miserable.  Dave and I were debating a visit to a pediatrician- but knowing that we have no insurance- we didn’t want to jump the gun and see a doctor if it really wasn’t necessary (but obviously, not hesitating if we needed to).  Then, I got a call from my sister who said it “popped into her head” that she had  a friend, who is a doctor, who might be able to help.  Long story a little bit shorter- our daughter was seen by a doctor and is now on antibiotics and we paid nothing. That’s God’s provision in action…

Be encouraged… He provides!

Nov 24 Busted!

Here’s a conversation that happened a few days ago- that keeps replaying in my head and making me chuckle…

Abbie (5) to Silas (3): Wow- do you have new shoes?

Silas: Nope

Abbie to Me: Silas’ shoes look really new, but he says they’re not new.

Me to Abbie: They aren’t new, I just washed them.

Silas to everyone around: Mom, you don’t wash stuff- Ms. Emily washed them for me.

Me: BUSTED.

Nov 21 Learning about Love

My kiddos teach me so much about love- it’s actually hard for this wordy girl to begin putting these lessons into words.  Like how love is never earned, it’s always given.  How love is never withheld, it’s abundant.  How love isn’t contingent on anything- it just is.

The last week or so, Ellie has discovered her “voice.” When something is happening that she doesn’t like, or when I say no- she screams at the top of her lungs. It’s not fun. It’s annoying. It triggers chaos and invites Silas to start screaming too.  It pushes me towards a mommy-meltdown and a few times I’ve fallen flat on my face in my quest to always respond to my children in love.  All of this to say, I’m in a challenging season of parenting. But what I’ve learned is that my love for my kids is actually only increasing. My desire to parent them well seems kicked up a notch, maybe because doing so is requiring more from me now more than ever. My actions have to be more intentional and my selfish tendencies need pushed a little further aside. It’s not easy and I don’t do it perfectly (by any means) but it’s making me grow.

As I was putting Ellie to bed last night, she fell asleep in my arms.  I was looking down at her little hand clutching my shirt while her curls were tickling my cheek. I was overwhelmed with how much I love her- how much I love my kids.  And then my heart instantly knew, He loves me just the same.

Nov 16 TIA: This is America…

When I use the acronym TIA, I’m normally referencing something that makes me shake my head and say, this is Africa.  Having been stateside for 48 hours now, I find myself saying TIA a lot… but referencing the culture shock and “new” experiences I’m having here at home (which feels totally bizarre).

So- here are my observations (disclaimer: be sure to read them for just what they are- I’m not attaching any good/bad/better/worse labels to anything):

- There are so many options here… regarding anything I could possibly be looking for. I’m overwhelmed by choice.

- At home in S. Africa, I’m surrounded by beautiful nature and functional interiors.  Here, I’m surrounded by beautiful interiors and an overlook-able landscape. It’s kinda weird.

- I’m amazed at the differences in living functionally verses comfortably. And feeling the dissonance between practicalities and luxuries.  There are lots of luxuries here disguised as practicalities.

- People are friendly here and customer service actually still exists. Consumers are sought after, not expected, and dare I say the customer is still always right.

- Having a heated home is simply marvelous.

- America is a stimulating place. It’s amazing and wonderful- but even the silence feels loud. My heart is easily distracted by all things shiny.

Nov 13 She’s All-In

Nov 11 All-In

I’ve only played poker a handful of times- but I love that moment when you push all of your chips to the middle of the table and say “all in”.  I love that phrase and the weight behind it.  I love the carefree appearance of a calculated move.  When you’re all-in, it’s purposeful and intentional yet it’s full of releasing control.

Lately, God’s been asking me if I’m all-in.  All-in Him.  All-in where He wants me to be. All-in what He wants me to be doing.

So here it goes…

I’m all-in.

Nov 08 Gear-Up, Tune-Up

This is a big week.  Take a long, slow inhale with me…

One thing I know for sure- is that our family has never really done things on a small scale… especially when it comes to change.  When something changes, everything changes.  But more on that later…

So back to this week:  I have a crazy work week ahead… then, on Friday our family of 4 will begin our nearly 40-hour door to door journey from South Africa to Ohio.  The itinerary goes something like this: leave the farm early Friday morning (Thursday night American EST), drive 3 hours to the airport, catch a 17 hour direct flight to DC, have a layover, catch another flight to Ohio and finally reach our destination Saturday night (afternoon EST).   I’m already praying for some seriously angelic children (pray for all of us- PLEASE).

I guess it’s later enough: As if our travels aren’t enough to gear-up for, how about I throw in a move too?  Yeah. I’m not just packing for this trip. I’m packing up the contents of my house so that I can be “moved” while I’m gone… and when I get back to South Africa in December- I’ll have a new (to me) home. Holy cow. It feels a little crazy.

So, here’s where you come in. Music is totally therapeutic for me. A must-have when I’m stressed. An outlet when I need to blow off some steam. So- help me tune-up as I gear-up. Tell me whats been on repeat on your iPod or your top 3 must-have songs.

…seriously. Help a sister out!

(okay… exhale!)

Nov 03 Like A Thief in the Night

The enemy of our hearts is described as a thief in the night (John 10:10).  This has become a loaded description for me since we’ve had 4 break-ins on our mission base over the past three months. In response, we’ve set up a night-watch patrol schedule, put alarms on some of the buildings, and taken measures to add security and visibility across these 2500 acres.  But a thief still lurks- and he made an appearance again last week.

What I’ve learned about middle of the night thieves is this:

-          They have a plan and their actions are purposeful

-          They use the cover of darkness strategically

-          Their actions are often only discovered once the light of day reveals the wreckage left behind

-          They look for areas of vulnerability and target those first

And so it is with the enemy of my soul. I shouldn’t overlook how he tries to weasel in to my thoughts and my heart.  Because when he tries to sneak into my life, his actions are purposeful and strategic- wanting to see me crumble in a pile of selfish wreckage.  What he wants me to embrace as an acceptable shade of gray really fits in to black or white. What he wants me to rationalize into my life, is really a fertile seed that will yield some form of harvest- either of death or life. What he wants me to flirt with because it satisfies some deeper longing in me, is really an attempt to take my eyes off of the One who makes me whole.

God, shine your light on me.

Nov 01 My Ceiling, Their Floor

In recent months, a specific idea has been a driving force behind my parenting:  I want the ceiling of my life- the highest heights of my inward and outward journey- to be my children’s proverbial floor.  To parent Silas and Ellie in such a way that the things I’m learning (about spirituality, character, authenticity, etc.) become part of their lives, or seeds in their hearts, at the same time they are becoming a part of mine. In this way, things that are growth for me as an adult become foundational for them as children.   Don’t worry. I’m not ignoring developmental milestones and the natural process of spiritual growth.  But I am confident that my children’s wings will eventually stretch wider and their roots will go deeper than what I experience in my own life. And that overwhelms my heart with thankfulness.

I’m also overwhelmed that this same idea flows from the Father’s heart for you and me.  Just listen: “I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.  You can ask for anything in my name and I will do it, so the Son can bring glory to the Father” (John 14:12-13).

I still can’t bring myself to fully embrace that. His ceiling, my floor? And yet- that’s His heart for me as my Father. The only reason I can even begin to “get it” is because it’s also my heart as a mother.

Oct 28 I Am One

My friend Danielle recently put a quote on the header of her blog- and it’s resonating in my heart. Challenging me. Making me determined to live for something (someOne) rather than being distracted by everything (everyone).  I couldn’t help but share it with you in this space too…

“I am only one, but I am one. I can not do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do.” – Edward Everett Hale

As one, what can you do??

Oct 27 In Their Words…

I’m pretty vocal about my discomfort in being described as a missionary, but the truth is, I love what I do. And every now and again I get to hear in their words about how Thrive Africa is making a difference.  In my role as Interim Director, I’m normally a behind-a-desk administrator but occasionally I get to be a front-lines participant in our various programs and outreaches. This was true at our final Hand in Hand pastor’s conference that took place a few weeks ago. This week I’ve been reading through and mulling over the feedback forms our attendees completed and I’ve been so encouraged by their responses. Here are a few highlights- in their words:

“God has touched my heart in a very different way that I feel when I leave this place I am going to tell people to follow me.” – Katherine Moloi

“God has taken my spirit higher and made me realize that I need Jesus in everything I do to be a leader.  This conference has also help[ed] me to know that I am an ambassador of Christ.”  - Mariam Tladi

“I have been completely changed by the Word of God.  It has empowered me to go out and make disciples.”  - Mofokeng P. Joseph

“God has changed my life with these teachings.  I have learned a lot about being a leader and I want to be effective when coming to things of God.” – Makhanya Sesi

“I have learned a lot about leadership and how I can train leaders. Also that we need to let our lives to do the talking.” – Reverend M. Motsapi

Oct 26 The Best Of…

Our week in Gonubie:

and I can’t leave out the “bests” that weren’t captured in photos:
- having time with friends was totally priceless
- talking over Starbucks coffee was pure bliss
- enjoying the Indian Ocean was fantastic!
- hitting up Gonubie’s fabulous grocery stores and stocking up on imported goods just totally made me smile
- watching Silas play till he could literally play no-more on his own personal jumping castle made my mom’s heart soar.
- and the list goes on, and on, and on… but I’ll leave it at that.

Thank you Kristi and Daniel for EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!

Oct 19 I’m Away

I was going to try and plan ahead- schedule some posts so that blogesphere wouldn’t even notice that I took a vacation. But then life got in the way. So, here’s the truth:

I’m in Gonubie, South Africa, a block from the Indian Ocean, staying with some fantastic people that I met face to face for the first time yesterday. Fast friends? Definitely. Enjoying a week away? Totally. Really glad my husband had a museum to visit 10 hours from “home” so that I could justify this road trip away? Absolutely.

So… the “best of” photos are to come, as well as some tales of our travels- I’m sure. But for now, I’m away

Oct 16 My Over-the-top Crazy Day

Yesterday was an over-the-top crazy day. A play by play won’t really do it justice, but here you go…

7:45am Leave the farm and take Silas to school

8:30 Work meeting in town

9:15 Call from my hubby saying that he was asked to come to the Department of Home Affairs right away

10:00 I run errands in town while Dave runs to QwaQwa for this unexpected meeting

11:45 Pick Silas up from school

12:00 Haircut appointment for Silas

12:10 Call from Dave- our visas to stay in South Africa were denied because our medical clearance was a year old (you have to prove you don’t have TB and that you aren’t a medical threat to the citizens here)

12:30 I hit the grocery store while my friend, Charlene,  goes to the doctor’s office on our behalf to get prescriptions in order for us to get x-rays done

1:00 Meet up with my friend Katie, who was watching Ellie, and coordinate chest x-rays and physical exams for later in the afternoon, find an internet cafe and print off the necessary government forms

2:00 Radiology appointment: get chest x-rays to prove we don’t have TB, children melting down- (side note: we had to hand-deliver the xrays this morning to a radiologist in a neighboring town- an hour away- in order to have our clearance forms signed)

3:20 Doctor’s Office- physical exams for all, children TOTALLY melting down

4:30 Get pizza in town to take home for dinner

5:15 Home

5:30 Ellie takes a hard tumble and I think her nose is broken- call my friend June, who happens to be an RN, to come check her out. Ellie has a rhino horn growing out of the bridge of her nose and is black and blue. Terrible. But June assures me she’ll survive.

6:15 Silas falls down our hard wooden stairs- first time ever, thankfully no serious injuries, but lots and LOTS of tears

6:30 Ellie to bed

6:45 I head to Thrive church

8:30 I host tea for our ministry volunteers

10:15 I crash… after a very long, over-the-top crazy day.

And it was all for visa’s sake.  Since Dave’s fiasco at the border we’ve been jumping through a zillion hoops to be/stay legal. Let’s hope this was our last bit of red tape to cross over…

Oct 13 In Bloom

It’s finally spring here in South Africa.  Our winter was long and harsh- with no indoor heat and uninsulated homes it’s a drastically different seasonal experience than stateside.  But now, the midday sun is intense and our screen-less windows beg to be opened.  The dull browns that covered the landscape are being replaced by vibrant green and flower buds whisper a divine palette of colors, soon to be in bloom.  It’s utterly refreshing.

These changes evidence that there was so much more life during the bleak midwinter than my eyes could see. Transformations were happening just beneath the surface and deep down in the roots that were necessary to usher in this beautiful and glorious spring.

And so it with us: Winter will give way to spring as we allow Him to dig beneath the surface of our lives and show us the roots growing in our hearts.  The digging can be painful and tending roots can be laborious- but it’s an indispensible process if we want to bloom.

Oct 10 Yesterday’s Adventure

We had a beautiful day yesterday- and I spent the morning on a 2 mile hike with the kiddos down our driveway. I took the camera along and these shots are some of my favorites:

Oct 07 Intimacy…

Last week I heard intimacy described as “in-to-me-see”.  I thought it was a catchy definition when I heard it- but as its continued to resurface in my thoughts- I’ve decided that it’s actually pretty profound.

I use the word intimacy frequently.  In fact, one of the things that I’ve regularly prayed for during the past year is my desire to pursue intimacy with Jesus before anything else.  In my head this has translated to me pursuing God as the first desire of my heart. Now it’s expanded to be about my response to God’s pursuit of me.  (Yup, I totally just said that God pursues me… and it’s true, and He’s pursuing you too.) It’s hard for me to grasp… but before God wants my “labors” in His name, before he wants to use my gifts or talents or shortcomings… He wants me.  Period.

To take this a little further, a dictionary definition for intimacy is:  Detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a subject.  Without a doubt, since I’m created and He’s Omniscient, God knows me through and through.  But there’s a huge relational difference in being exposed before God verses being vulnerable with God.  When I say exposed, I mean having parts of myself brought in to His light involuntarily.  Or to really break it down… it means getting caught or being called out about something.  When I say vulnerable, I mean having a posture of the heart that’s without defense before God- that’s transparent with Him- a heart that cries out… Father, in-to-me-see.

Hmmm, I’m still chewing on all of this- so I’ve got no suave way to wrap up these ramblings.  Other than to leave you with some of the questions I’ve been asking myself this week…

What is my response to God’s pursuit of me?

Am I exposed by God? Or vulnerable with Him? Or something else entirely?

Oct 05 At the Border

If you’re on Facebook and I’m your friend- you might have seen that yesterday was a tense day for me.  Dave had been gone to Lesotho for a week, (with his friend and interpreter, Lucas) and I was more than ready to have him home.  When my phone rang about the time I was expecting to see him- my heart deflated a bit. Then we he said, “Aim, I’ve got a problem, they won’t let me back into South Africa” I had a few moments of panic.

Then I took a deep breath and said,  “let’s pray”.

Dave gave me the facts: when he entered Lesotho they told him our South African visas had expired- and when we crossed a border last month to get a new 90-day visitor stamp, we actually only got 7 days.  So we were (until a few hours ago) technically illegal. The border control officer assured Dave that by exiting South Africa and going in to Lesotho- he could return to S. Africa and be granted an additional 7 days.  Too bad that guy wasn’t working yesterday.

Dave went round and round with the border control officer to no avail.  The officer told him he had to go to the American Embassy in the metropolitan area of Lesotho (several hours away and closed on weekends) and see how they could help him. Basically, they wanted to send Dave back to America. Dave got back into the car, discouraged, when a police officer (Dave’s pretty confident he was an angel) walked over to him and said, “I think you should try another border post- go to xxx”.  So, Dave and Lucas drove a few hours to another border.

How the situation unfolded was obviously God- it involved a woman with an emergency butting in on Dave while the customs officer was rifiling through his passport.  In his irritation, Dave’s passport got stamped without being reviewed carefully.  It involved Lucas needing to hand some cash to another customs agent, now refusing his entry into South Africa because of duplicate exit stamps in his temporary passport.  It involved driving quickly through the border once “cleared” for fear of any more obsticles.  It involved a modern day miracle… and me being so thankful to have my husband “home”.

Oct 03 Welcome Home!

I’ve always been a renter. I’ve never lived anywhere that wasn’t a borrowed or temporary space in one form or another. I’ve never had that sense of now I’m home. I’ve dreamed about painting walls, picking out fixtures, and having things set up “just so”- just because I like them that way.

Watching my new home in blogesphere come to life has been like building a custom house. I had a fantastic builder and after I outlined what I saw in my minds’ eye, Joel brought it to life with more beauty and creativity than I expected. The end result makes me shout, I’m home!!

So, cross the threshold with me… have a look around and make your mark… because life is still better shared!

Oct 03 A Hint

Sep 24 Questionable?

Highly Questionable!

Sep 21 Sometimes, Never, ALWAYS

Sometimes when life is hard, I feel unseen

Sometimes when I pray, I feel unheard

Sometimes I brazenly want to shake my fist at the sky or stomp my feet in a good ol’ fashioned tantrum

And then God speaks: Who do you say that I am, Amy…

He’s never indifferent

He’s never uncaring

He’s always responsive

He is the Lord.

When God’s actions look different from what I would have hoped for-  it has nothing to do with Him failing me- and everything to do with His sovereignty.  His sovereignty is about His strength, in which there’s no room for weakness. His sovereignty has everything to do with His passionate love for me, and nothing to do with indifference.

My perspective is so limited. My desires so tainted… but because He is sovereign, I can rest in assurance that everything God does, or does not do- is really about the depths of His love for me. A love that extends so much deeper, so much farther, so much wider… than I could ever comprehend.

Sep 17 Change is Coming…

Do you like change? I do.

I’ve always enjoyed re-arranging my furniture.

I love putting color on walls and if given the chance, I would change it more frequently than is really necessary.

I’m convinced that living space should be accessorized and that those accessories should be switched up- at least seasonally. I grew up in a house where mom’s baker’s rack was changed in accordance with every upcoming holiday- so I think I get my itch for “different” from her.

…and this blog is my “home” in cyberspace… so guess what???  Change is coming…

Sep 14 Captured

I take a crazy amount of pictures of my kiddos.  I think everything they do is worthy of being documented- and I love to play with photography (even though I really know nothing aside from point and shoot).  But- it’s rare when I take a shot that really caputres them. Yesterday, however, I took this one of Ellie and it’s TOTALLY her… all of her little nuances are wrapped up or somehow contained in this picture… and I love it:

Sep 10 I'm a WHAT?

There are a few labels in my life that I like: Mother, Friend, Wife, Writer, Sister. But there’s one that just doesn’t seem to fit: Missionary.  Someone called me a missionary the other day and I found myself looking around to see who they were talking about.  I wonder why it’s an uncomfortable label for me? Maybe because that word conjures so many pre-conceived ideas that rub me the wrong way. Just ask my dear friend Emily – when we were introduced almost a decade ago I was described by our mutual boss as a former missionary… and she still thinks I was wearing a long skirt with a bun in my hair when we met.  When I hear the word missionary- I don’t think of a “normal” person.  I think of someone who is probably a little weird and socially awkward.  I think of someone who loves doctrine potentially more than they love Jesus.  I think of someone who would never spend $3 on a latte…ever.

Ouch? I don’t mean any offense- this is just me talking.  And I don’t know where my pre-conceived notions about missionaries come from.  In fact, all of the “missionaries” I know (Alece, Sarah, @ngie,- just to name a few!) don’t fit this mold at all.  What I see in all of those women is that they live a missional life- A life centered on loving God and making Him known.  Being missional has nothing to do with location.  It has everything to do with lifestyle.  Heart orientation. Purpose-driven living.

I still won’t call myself a missionary. But I will choose live a missional life-  no matter where home is.

Sep 08 Inside My Brain

Life has been busy and my mind has been swirling. I haven’t stayed with a creative thought long enough to actually write a post, but I miss blogging. Ironic.

So, as I sit here- trying to flag down a waitress for yet another coffee… my mind goes here and there… have a look inside:

I wonder how long Africa will be home? Silas’ new-found accent cracks me up and makes me shake my head.

Where did I put my iPod… I swear I left it in the console and it’s not there… I’m feeling slightly panicked.

It will be nice when Ellie doesn’t wake up at 5:30

I can’t believe my dad’s here. I won’t want to take him back to the airport next week.

Budgets. Ugh… I HATE budgets. Why do finances stress me out so much… it’s just money.

My friend thinks she has a muffin-top?  REALLY??? no man…

Time to stand up and flag down a waitress…

Aug 30 Good Clean Fun

Aug 27 Overwhelmed?

Does life feel overwhelming to you too?  Like a wave barreling down from above. Like quick sand.  It feels claustrophobic. Like an overcrowded elevator on a hot summer day. I’ve felt like that a few times this week, even just moments ago.  And then, His voice says… “Choose to be overwhelmed by Me… and by Me alone.”

So that’s where I’m standing.  Submerged in who He is. Flooded by His promises. Soaking in His words.  Overwhelmed, indeed.

Aug 26 Wednesday's Window

My kiddos are accessorizing! Ellie with her adorable pigtails and Silas with his Sotho meets New Orleans hat!

Aug 24 Listen with Me

On Friday afternoon, we hosted all of the farm staff for an appreciation braai (cookout) at our house.  I should have known that in an attempt to bless them… I would be the one left feeling overwhelmed with gratitude.  The staff came all dressed up for the lunch- Ntate John (older man, probably close to 70,  who Dave has seen wrestle a blesbok to the ground and slit it’s throat) wore a suit coat over his t-shirt.  The women all had their hair done and had asked to borrow some nail polish from one of the missionary staff girls a few days prior.  I wore a skirt (which is the equivalent of a big deal). We dined together on traditional “paap and sauce”, boerwoers (sausage), chicken, and potato salad. We talked and laughed.

And then, the “spokesman” (for lack of a better word) of the farm staff, Ntate Willy, addressed Dave and I and made me teary with his words of gratitude for our friendship.  As the staff all began to sing together- my tears flowed.  We recorded just a small bit of it… but if there’s anything about living in South Africa that speaks directly to my soul… it’s hearing South Africans sing..  so, listen with me:

[audio http://expectantandbeyond.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/staff-singing.mp3]

Aug 20 Last Book

My heart is proud: I’m Silas’ last book of the day.  Yep, in mom’s terms this is the equivalent of being a last call.  You know- being that connection, that person, that you want to share your final moments of the day with before drifting off to sleep.

So, we have a new routine at bed time in our house.  While I put Ellie to bed-  Dave starts books with Silas.  Then I get to do last book and we say our bedtime prayers.  I love it.  I love these moments of being a mom. Of knowing that every moment I invest in my children matters… and that they treasure our moments together in their own way… just as I treasure them in mine.

Here’s to being last book…

Aug 18 It's On Amazon Part II!!

I’m so proud… Dave’s second documentary on the Basotho culture here in South Africa is now available on Amazon!!

Check it out… HERE.

Aug 17 Are you Hungry?

It’s a familiar passage: Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled (Matthew 5:6).

When I  read over those words without really thinking twice, I knew it was time to skip a few meals.  And in doing so, I was reminded of a few things about hunger. It consumes. It necessitates action. It’s not easily ignored. It’s need-based. It’s never permanently satiated. These are not descriptions that I would normally use to describe my relationship with God… but apparently, they should be.

In the midst of hunger, the emphasis of that passage totally changes for me. The emphasis becomes for they will be filled. When you’re hungry, really hungry, you want nothing more than to be full. The blessing is in the fullness.

After tinkering with hunger- I also needed to refresh my understanding of righteousness. Here are a few definitions that I loved (thanks to Wikeped!a):

• Reckoned as leading a life that is pleasing to God
• Being shielded by God and His righteousness (as an attribute of God)
• Those who trust they will be vindicated by the Lord

Now I read over that verse again and I pause. I should be consumed with being in right-relationship with God.  I should pursue Him relentlessly. I should be motivated by my need for Him and my depravity without Him.  I should never feel as though I’ve had enough of God.  My desire for God should be nagging, insatiable.

In the pause, I also feel relief- because I know this hunger and thirst for Him isn’t anything I can muster in my own heart. It’s on Him to answer my prayer of this verse. It’s on me to dare and pray it.

Lord, make me hungry and thirsty for you…and let me know the blessing of being filled by all that you are…

Aug 15 Dance in the Rain

I have to fight the urge to complain. Toxic words often try to seep past the gates of my lips- and sometimes I spring a leak.  Such was my inner-battle the other day, as I was shuffling down my staircase and getting ready to head out the door- again.  I stopped midway down- partially because of dizziness and partially because of a God-tug on my heart.  I was wanting to complain about our day without electricity and our many days without modern conveniences such as internet- and the list goes on, and on, and on (did I mention I currently have no oven or range to cook on? Yeah).

But the God-tug made me stop and mentally begin to scroll down another list… a list of things that over the years I’ve wanted to have in my life. He was helping me realize that in the midst of this trying season, I’m actually surrounded by so many of the specific desires of my heart.  Among them: living in the mountains, our log-style home with a spiral staircase and a wrap-around porch, having a great view of the sunrise, and actually being here, in South Africa again.

God wants us to see all of the treasures He gives to us in the midst of (what could be called) storms.  We can focus on the threatening clouds or we can choose to dance in the rain-  should it come. The face of my heart may feel splattered with raindrops- or even hail- but I’m going to choose to dance.  To sit on my porch and gaze with wonder at the beauty of South Africa. To smile knowingly (because He’s doing the same) as I run up and down my spiral stairs. To cherish being up before the sun and watching it rise.  And in doing so… the floodgates of my mouth will be opened… but this time with words of praise. Of gratitude. Of thanks.

Aug 13 Big Picture

By nature, I tend to be a detail-oriented person and lately I’ve been challenged to be a big-picture thinker.  I’ve been praying for some divine intervention to fill the gap between my innate skills and the ones I’m needing to utilize during this season.  As I was huffing and puffing along Zebra Rd. earlier this week- I told God I needed a map to be an effective big-picture planner.  And I feel like he gave it to me. So, in case you find yourself with a similar challenge on your plate- I want to share it with you… the map for big picture thinking with detail oriented results:

1. Visualize: what does the end result need to look like? What’s the goal?

2. Strategize:  How do we reach that end result?… outline the details of who, what, where, when, how…

3. Energize: Share the vision of the goal, enlist help in finalizing the strategy, and delegate to capable teammates

4. Realize: the day in and day out implementation that will ultimately lead to reaching the goal

Of course, there are a zillion little steps in between each big one- but every long journey needs some milemarkers… and these are mine!

Aug 12 The Next Dozen

Over the weekend I celebrated my 12th wedding anniversary! And if you know me well… you know that I love to reminisce. So on this day, I couldn’t help but to think back and remember every detail of my wedding that my memory has not let fade with time (here are a few):

• I remember waking up that morning, lying in bed with my eyes closed but with my mind wide open.  I remember thinking this very day is the one I’ve imagined and dreamed of since I was a little girl.
• I remember stepping into my wedding dress and feeling like a princess. I felt… beautiful.
• I remember being walked down the isle by my dad- the way his one arm was wrapped through mine and his other hand was holding on to me- I could feel the tension of his joy and sadness- but more than anything, I knew he was proud of me and that I would always be his little girl.
• I remember David walking down to meet us at the front of the church, slipping his arm into mine where my dad’s had just been.
• I remember saying I do.
• I remember the kiss.
• I remember the roof-raising celebrating that took place at the reception.

But one important thing escapes me.  As hard as I try- I can’t remember my vows.  I didn’t write them, but I recited them… and I don’t remember the details.  I remember “for better or worse” and “for richer or poorer” and “with this ring, I thee wed”… but I’m sure there had to be some more depth spoken. Right? In the absence of the original vows, I decided to write a new one to guide the next dozen years of our life together.  And everything I wrote could be summed up in one line: … to choose David every day, just as I chose him that day.

So I wonder… what does that look like lived out?

Aug 11 Living (In)Courage

I’ve been lurking- waiting for this new site for women to actually launch- and it has, and I’m so loving it.  If you haven’t already discovered it, let me  introduce you…

So what does it mean for me to live in-courage?  It means walking forward with strength of heart when all I want to do is run away, or jump out of the boat that has carried me to deep waters.  It means looking at bank statements for the ministry and trusting God that every dime will be there when it needs to be there.  It means dropping my son off at pre-school and driving away for those few long hours. It means being here in South Africa, right where God wants me, and being all-here.

What does it mean to you?

Aug 10 Look Up With Me

I talk a lot about the Southern hemisphere stars that often take my breath away… and now, I invite you to look up with me.  A mission team member took these pictures a few weeks ago… and they capture my night sky perfectly…

That bright clump that you can see… it’s the Milkyway… here’s a closer look:

Beautiful, huh?

… as a total side note, I’m starting a series of posts themed …with me.  Months ago I invited you to Walk With Me- and now I’m compiling a list of other parts of my life here in South Africa to share with you through pictures.  So tell me, what would you like to see?

Aug 07 Bad Form?

I’m pressing on with my love-hate relationship of all things running.  I hate the actual physical labor part but I love what I learn from in it.  I learn a lot about how my mind works- about the conversations I have with myself and the way they influence my actions.  Like how when I get tired, I tell myself to quit because I’m weak.  Like when my legs fatigue, and I tell myself to stop because what I really want is to be comfortable.  Like when my breathing is heavy and I think that my body controls me instead of me controlling my body.

Last week in the midst of a run, I realized that I have bad form.  That my eyes are often looking down at the pavement instead of at the horizon. And then I realized why.  For me, finish lines seem too far off.  To actually get there, I have to look down at each step and ask myself, “do I have enough in me for this step? and this one? and this one?” and with each pounding step my will says yes.  But when I look too far ahead- I don’t think I have what it takes to get from the proverbial here to the proverbial there.

And the same is true in my life.  If you had told me four years ago when we were starting to plan a family that I would flirt with entering eternity during Silas’ birth- I probably would have backed out in fear and now be missing all of the joy that’s wrapped up in Silas.  If you would have told me that a few short months after his delivery, that I’d move 10 hours away and start life again- I wouldn’t have let myself say “go for it Dave, apply for grad school- we’ll find a way to make it work”.  If you would have told me that I’d be vomiting everyday for 27 weeks- I probably would have hesitated before saying “let’s try to have another baby“… and have you seen my princess?  If you would have told me that the day Ellie turned 3 months old that I’d be on a plane relocating to South Africa- I would have thought you were smoking crack.  If you would have told me that while I’m here I’d be leading Thrive… I would have said… impossible.

I hope to one day get to the place where I can look at the horizon, at the destination, and not doubt that He will journey every laboring step with me.  But for now, I’ll keep keep my eyes on the step right in front of me, with an occasional glance up to make sure that I’m staying on course.

What about you… do you find endurance by looking at each step or by looking at the finish line?

Aug 05 One Man, Two Words

Growing up, I was always the one who volunteered.  If something needed coordinated, or planned, or lead… I’d shoot my hand up in the air so fast that I was sure to be first.   Now I know, that back then I viewed leadership as if through a peephole. My “working definition” of what was involved in leadership was some combination of  taking responsibility and giving direction; but it was an incredibly narrow view of what it means to be the one at the helm (of anything).

During this season of my life, I’ve been learning a lot about leadership.  What I know for sure-  is that to be an effective leader, I have to remain an intentional learner.  And I’ve found that there’s no better place to look for instructions about leadership than to one Man and two words:  Jesus saying “Follow me”.  His example tells me that leadership is more about life-actions than words.  It tells me that leadership requires relationship, visibility, and authenticity.  That I have to live an example worth following, then have enough boldness to utter the words that he did.

As I learn to be a better leader- I’m chewing on the words that my life-actions speak- and spitting out those unappetizing pieces of gristle.  It’s liberating to know that He’s really the one at the helm… both of my life and of this ministry, because that means this season of leadership- is really just about following Him.  And following, I can do.

Want to chew with me? What are your life-actions saying?

Aug 01 Genuine.

Starting Silas in preschool here in South Africa was a little bit terrifying for me.  In addition to the normal hurdles that come along with this early and initial step of fostering independence… I knew that Silas would face some unique obstacles.  He’s the only American.  His accent is different and he struggles at times to understand the dialects that he hears.  The teachers use English in the classroom, which most of the other kids understand, but a myriad of languages are spoken on the playground.

At the end of each school day, I watch his classroom door creep open and the  frenzy of 3-year-olds that come pouring out like bees from a hive.  Many of them are paired up in friendship- but Silas runs towards me alone.  This got me praying. I started to ask God to overcome every barrier and give Silas a solid friend at school.

No kidding, the next afternoon when the classroom door crept open, I saw the frenzy of kids spilling out… and then I saw Silas.  He was dragging his backpack behind him… and another little boy was helping him pull it along.  When Silas saw me, he let go of his bag and ran to the fence- and his friend continued to carry Silas’ bag until they both reached us.  I smiled at the little face of this stranger and my heart let out a ‘God, you’re so good…” We made our way to the truck and I asked Silas about his day.  I asked him to tell me the name of his new friend, and he said “Genuine”.  I was unsure, so I asked again and Silas said, “his name is Genuine”.

I learned from Silas’ teacher that the other little boy’s name is actually Benjamin… but Genuine also sounds like a perfect fit to me!!

Jul 15 Amy Tshabalala ("cha-ba-la-la")

“You are Tshabalala now. Part of this family. Your African family.”

Several months back I introduced you to Mike and Lizzy.  Several weeks back, Dave participated in a very culturally significant lobola (”la-bow-la”) or bohali (”bow-ha-di”) ceremony where Dave joined all of Mike’s extended male relatives in negotiating and paying a bride price for Lizzy.  After this momentous event, Mike and Lizzy became the equivalent of married, since Mike paid the Sotho version of a dowry. It was at the end of this day that Mike’s extended family adopted us as one of their own.  With tears betraying his inner resolve, Dave quoted back to me what one of the elder males of the family had said to him: “I never thought I would live to see a white man caring about me or my family…you are Tshabalala now…”

Several days back, Lizzy gave birth to their first child- a son.  They named him “Lunga” (loongah), meaning good man, in honor of David.

Jul 11 I Did Say a Prayer

It was the middle of the afternoon and Silas walked up to me with a serious expression on his face. He said, “I did say a prayer for sister”- his inflection conveyed pride.  I smiled and said, “that’s being a great brother- mommy’s proud of you!”  Without much pause he added, “that she’d fly-fly away.”

Apparently, he’s learning what it means to have an honest heart before God.  And I was reminded how good it is to laugh. Hard.

Jul 06 Crazy Busy

I’m in the midst of a crazy busy couple of months… so if you find yourself missing me here (or so I’d like to think)… did you know you can find me here?  I currently write or edit all of the posts for the Thrive Africa field blog… which is full of daily happenings here in South Africa (and will give you a glimpse at what the crazy busyness is about!).

Jun 26 Winter Fun

If you’re on Facebook and you see my status updates- you know it’s been freakin’ cold here in South Africa! But, we’re trying to make the most of it- and especially of our days with afternoon-warming sun. So, here’s a picture post of our last two weeks…

Jun 19 Smash The Box

Today and tomorrow I have the privilege of leading a retreat for 24 young adults who are joining us for two months of serving in South Africa.  This morning began by us talking about the box that we tend to place God in.  The ways we confine Him with our limiting expectations, and how that makes us miss out on so much of who He is.  Next up, was applying this to our own lives… recognizing that we also tend to limit who God is in us with the confines of who we think we are and what we expect of ourselves.  In reality, the only limitations we face in life are the ones we place on ourselves- because with God, ALL things are possible (Phil 4:13).  So, I challenge myself and I challenge you… to look at the box we’ve become comfortable with… and then let God smash it.  His work in us is complete.  We need only to be willing to walk in it… box free.